Moles 19 Maidstone Vets 0

On a glorious first Moley day for rugby in the 2019/20 season, Gareth ‘Miami’ Moore welcomed perennial foes the Maidstone Vets to Rectory Field for his first match in charge of the Moles; now available in halves and pints down Gravesend High Street!

What a fine-looking gaggle of the old, rotund and pedestrian did Miami manage to assemble; all 23 of whom presented perfect Mole, wannabe Mole, M&Y coach or M&Y dad credentials. A nice change from the squads that former skipper Elvis sometimes used to have to pull together from anyone who he’d had a pint with since the last game. Let’s hope this positive response continues for Miami!

Miami deftly dealt with a Maidstone prop crisis by arranging to loan them young Ben Woodbine; a deal that prompted Elvis’s first moan of the day at the thought of a shift at the seam chipping away at the young GRFC 2s buck. However, Miami’s man-management skills are cute because ‘puffs of steam’ from Elvis is small-fry in comparison to having to suffer the ‘fire and fury’ of a Pierre ‘Cyril’ Du Toit response to the prospect of uncontested scrums.

Injured 1st team half-back and Mole, Gary Gray was contributing so effectively to the 1st team’s preparation for their cup fixture with Wanstead he was (allegedly) told to “eff off over to the banana pitch and get in the way of the Moles instead!” Undeterred by the apparent demotion, schoolteacher and GRFC Academy coach Gary, as ever, had nothing but developing his new charges in mind as he laid out cones and tackle pads at the changing room end of the pitch; the sight of which caused the smoking Moles to choke on their 'walk to the pitch' ciggies and every Mole to take an extra swig on the variety of hip flask cocktails being passed around the changing rooms.

However, Gary’s upping of the ante for the warm-up had an impact as the Moles coped well with the trademark physical intensity of the Maidstone Vets right from the off. Nonetheless, while strong in defence and at scrum time, the Moles were not making the most of their possession; not getting their trademark ‘pick n’ go’ style going and being shown no mercy by the Stones when taking the ball high into contact. Thanks to GRFC clubhouse manager, Esther Hooper and her team’s efforts, the club has established darts teams since the last Moles fixture and can count Mole hooker, Neil ‘Heinz’ Martin among its players. An unfortunate, albeit unintended, consequence of this is that Heinz ‘s throwing of the metaphoric ‘dart’ into the lineout appears to have suffered. Rumours circulating on the touchlines that Heinz was confused (he is officially the oldest and the fastest man for his age in rugby you know!) and aiming at one of either of the number 20 shirts standing in both teams’ back lines, are greatly exaggerated!

It was perhaps unfair on the Stones when after even more great defence by the men in black, Moles’ vice-captain and fly half Carl Sells intercepted a pass and ran 60 metres to touch down near the posts. A feat which he celebrated by adding to his impressive tally of missed kicks! Moles 5 Maidstone 0

The game continued in a similar ‘nip and tuck’ vein until another breakaway from his own half by Conor ‘son of Heinz’ Martin saw the Moles get their second try of the afternoon. Fortunately, Sellsy was not allowed near the ball and Benny ‘the Pimp’ Giles slotted over the conversion, which ultimately saw the Moles go to into half time 12-0 to the good.

In the halftime huddle, the Moles knew they had not been the best value they could be for their lead and Miami called for a tighter more controlled attack in the second half.

That is exactly what Miami got with more Moles rugby being played in the Stones’ half as a result of better ball retention. The ‘pick and go’ game was working again with the lower body positions from the ball carriers and proximity of supporting players combining to keep the ball in Mole hands for longer. However, despite being playing much better, the Moles continued to conspire to make life difficult for themselves with the forwards ignoring banshee-like howls advising of overlaps from the backs and in turn when the ball did move out, backs choosing to cut back inside towards the traffic! If you don’t believe me reader the checkout: https://www.facebook.com/groups/161444407285570/

Now, the Moles are fortunate to have Ambulance Service chief Brian ‘Elbo’ Williams among their ranks. Brian is so influential/important at work that if someone needs ‘really’ needs one, he can get an ambulance to a rugby field super pronto! Nevertheless, rumours that Elbo has this ‘card’ in his back pocket in order to risk contracting ‘white line fever’ multiple times every Saturday are greatly exaggerated! Despite being at risk of illness, Elbo had already had one try incorrectly disallowed when he touched down for a second time at the school end to extend the Moles’ lead. The Pimp converted the extra the extra two to see the Moles go into an impressive 19-0 lead, which turned out to also be the final score.

To be fair to Maidstone, they turned up with a ‘bare bones’ team (thanks also to Garrick Cruse-Smith for also helping them out when they went a player down in the first half) and over the whole 80 minutes, the scoreline probably flattered the Moles. The vets were as competitive, physical and wily as ever and probably deserved more from the game. As is now tradition, the Moles look forward to the return match for the Memorial Cup at Moat Park in December.

With the type of close game that it was today, Miami’s first ‘Mole of the Match’ pick was not an easy one but Conor Martin was the well-received recipient of the coveted tee shirt this time. Conor shared his chair alongside his 1st team equivalents celebrating their 41-0 win against Wanstead. Conor’s dad Heinz would undoubtedly have been proud to see Conor neck his pint in the splendid fashion that he did but alas, he’d had to shoot off for his shift down at the Mole Hole*.

Special thanks to the Mole elders who braved pneumonia to support the team in the rain. One would like to have thanked Mole Hodges for the photos but he hadn't got them back from the chemists before going to press.

So, another Moles begins with a win for its new skipper and the Moles story continues. Rumours that the Moles’ next venture will be to set itself up as an independent nation and compete in the 2023 World Cup are greatly exaggerated; but who knows what is next for something that is much much more than just a rugby team!

(*Other micropubs are available In Gravesend but are not as good as this one)