Cologne 12 Moles 7 / Maidstone Vets 5 Moles 0

Cologne 12 Moles 7

On a wet but nonetheless glorious day for rugby, the Moles headed down to Mote Park for a 'double header' of 40 minute fixtures against two-time former tour hosts Cologne and perennial foes Maidstone Vets.

After another Village People-esque warm up led by Darren Oram followed by a three team photo call, the Moles kicked off this international festival of rugby against the German tourists. The early exchanges were slow and slippy due to the persistent heavy rain. Nonetheless, the Moles were getting the upper hand in the scrum despite the tourists' heavier pack artillery; although the removal of lifting in line out frankly confused the Moleys and left the skies of this part of Kent open to one 6' 8" Teutonic lump in particular. Lethargy, complacency, who knows; but whatever it was on the collective Moles' part it led to a series of missed tackles and the Moles retreating behind the line to a await the first conversion attempt of the afternoon after Cologne had put the first five points on the board.

Unfortunately the shaky start didn't end there! Before the Moles could make a serious attempt to get back in the game, hesitation on their own try line let the tourists in to touch down between the posts and extend their lead to 12 points.

At last though the Moles began to get their game together and a break away by Big Bri took him deep behind German lines requiring two big units to stop him advancing. But that was about as good as it got for the Moles in the first half.

The Moles continued their better play in the second half, however with the ball behaving much like a bar of 'Imperial Leather' combined with some questionable refereeing decisions, they were finding it hard to make the progress needed to reduce the deficit. 'Mole of the Match' Poves had been one of the few stand out Moles in this below par performance so it was no surprise when he took a ball just inside the 22 and shook off the attempts of three Cologne defenders to take the ball over the line. Another tidy conversion from Brian Rayner saw the tourists' lead reduce to 12-7.

Dominance of the rest of the games proceedings was not enough for the Moles as they failed to score the further try needed to at least get them on level terms. It looked as if Tucker Jenkins was going to break away on the wing to score the second try of his career but alas he was stopped. However, he can be proud of his defensive performance in this match; putting his body on the line for the Moley cause on more than one occasion.

Cries of "Sie sollten nicht gewinnen Tour-Spiele!" or similar were heard from the clearly elated Germans as the final whistle was blown. Fair play to Cologne. They made the most of their opportunities and defended admirably throughout the game.

Maidstone Vets 5 Moles 0

Unlike Steve McQueen, Dickie Attenborough et al, the trip through the German tunnel provided no great escape for the Moles as, following the usual half time infantry changes, they remained on the pitch to face those wily Maidstone Vets.

The Vets were quick out of the blocks with their 10 looking particularly lively. However, the Moles seemed to break out from the shackles of lethargy to face right up to the fresher Vets. Elvis and Oily both made big hits to keep the home side at bay before the entire pack, led by Market, worked together to keep the ball up as the Vets attempted to power over the line. The Moles immediately went on from this to even survive a Vets penalty on the five metre line.

Soon the Moles were starting to get into the game themselves and making progress in the scrum not least through another encouraging performance from Neil Martin at hooker. Now back to being allowed to lift in the lineout, Velcro did well to move the ball back and help feed the Moles back line on more than one occasion.

The wily Vets were up to their usual tricks of killing the ball in the breakdown although to be fair, they were arguably only playing the referee who continued to make many a Mole scratch his head at many a decision!

Fortunately the referee changed at half time. Unfortunately so did the makeup of the Stones' pack! A heavier unit started to get a proper push on in the scrum and when they didn't drive over the ball, they forced the Moles pack into having to move the ball back through the legs extremely quick. Despite this immense pressure, the Moles continued to very much stay in the game. Poves continued to have a strong game and at one point managed to pay homage to the 'Ministry of Silly Walks' or similar! However, on an increasingly heavy pitch with the Vets approaching their 40th minute, the Moles approaching their 80th and the former starting to dominate up front, it was perhaps inevitable that Maidstone would edge this game if a winner was to emerge. And that they did with a try wide on the right; cutting through a field of knackered blokes in black shirts.

But the Moles never say die! And with a mere 10 seconds before the clock went red they were awarded a penalty
mid-way in their own half. An injury enabled skipper on the pitch Darren Oram to rally the troops and the Moles collectively concocted a move that essentially involved creating a 15 man maul behind the 'fatties', driving forward and then seeing what happened. It all sounded so good in the huddle; but reader I'm sure you can easily imagine how it went 'ratchet' when the ball carrier didn't run straight and one of the wings positioned himself to be the one to leech on to the ball carrier.

And that was the end of that. The Vets went on to beat the Cologne 15-10 in the final match of afternoon while the Moles enjoyed the novelty of taking a hot shower at Maidstone. A few pints, a pork sandwich, man of the match awards (Poves continued his good day by winning the drink off) and an exchange of gifts between clubs, all occurred before the Moles returned to a enjoy a few jugs back at Rectory Field.

The first concluding rite of the evening involved senior/retired Moles in Boggy Butler and Jim Gilham accepting fines for not travelling down to Maidstone and supporting their mates in the rain; choosing instead to stay in the lounge, drink beer and watch the 1st and 3rd XVs. Wisdom comes with age eh?

Finally, Tucker Jenkins became the latest estate agent to own a coveted Moles' tie and the first in recent memory to have the second verse about being publicly abused with human waste product sung to him. They let anyone in these days. This kind of inclusivity is proof yet again that the Moles is something much much more than just a rugby team.

Line up: Elvis, Neil Martin, El Tel, Brucey, Market, Carl Sells, Velcro, Ork, Nod, Merve, Andy Dadson, Darren Oram, Shotgun, Tucker Jenkins, Brian Rayner, Poves, Peggy, Oily, Posty, Mick Terry, Lloydy