Moles 14 LAS Invitational XV 17

Moles 14 LAS Invitational XV 17

A glorious day for rugby was also a good day to call for an ambulance in London as all bar a handful of rugby playing crew members were seemingly at work; so therefore unable to come and turn out alongside Mole ‘Big Bri’ and the Gannets’ Pete Stone against (on paper at least) a very strong looking Moles’ squad.

There was one exception though in the Charlton Park 2s fly –half; who couldn’t turn out for his works team in view being committed to a fixture against Gravesend 2s also at Rectory Field. With Gravesend 2s triumphing by no less than 99 points to 0 in that fixture; it wasn’t hard to believe Big Bri’s ‘Captain’s Poker’ story about when the same eager number 10 had rang him looking for a game earlier in the week he had responded “oh don’t worry mate; we’ve got plenty of numbers so we don’t really need you!”

That was some bluff by the big fella as the Moles counted the small number of unfamiliar faces in the opposition ranks. Special thanks must go out to GRFC Mini & Youth Coach Co-Ordinator and Mole, Garry ‘Hair Bear’ Hodges, for getting so many club members through their basic first aid courses over recent seasons for this enabled countless ‘Swannets’ to claim eligibility to play for the LAS (and probably Luxembourg too!).

Swan, occasional Moles’ player and Kent’s strongest man Martin Povey drives trucks for a living which is bigger than an ambulance which made his try from a penalty in the first half perfectly legitimate. So convincing was he as an ambulance driver that it was without even putting the blue light and siren on, he was able to make the Moles all stand to one side on the try line to make it even easier for him to get through and score.

The LAS scored two more tries and converted one of them during a first half that ended 17-0.
Not much to talk about from a Mole perspective in the first half. A lot of huff and a lot of puff but no real threat to the LAS try line. Frustrations simmered behind the posts and some of great sport’s values were compromised. Mole Posty, never ever one to point the finger, avoiding having to do this today by conveniently dislocating his favourite digit. With only call centre managers, IT workers and first aid trained ringers in the LAS XV, there was no chance of Posty getting his finger put back in at the pitch side which was disappointing as Hair Bear had had his hip put back in during the last encounter between these teams.

Thankfully, the second half was a much better affair for the Moles particularly following a half-back change introducing Andy Dadson at 10 and Nod at 9. Also influential were Ralph Walpole at tighthead to take on that utter nuisance but very effective prop, Mick Woodbine and Brutus coming in at loosehead; the introduction of this extra Moles muscle serving to match up the respective pack sizes.
As the Moles steadied the ship and finally kept a hold of the ball for more than a phase a try was scored; but reader, the author cannot remember how or who by. Dadson got the conversion (I think)

STOP PRESS: The author was reminded that the first try was indeed a penalty try and thus Dadson wouldn’t have missed from between the posts.

At some time during the second half, Mole of the Match Oaf realised he was having a good game before hadn’t moaned about being injured and/or being told by medical experts (not that there were any handy, to be fair) that he should never play rugby again before the kick off. Not being one to miss an opportunity, Oafy duly injured himself to give him the opportunity to hobble back on later and in turn be able to stand in the bar in his MotM t-shirt telling everyone how he did it all with only one foot/ankle/knee/shoulder/testicle (delete as applicable)

The Moles’ second try has been remembered by the author who was in close support of Andy Dadson as he demonstrated how running straight and hard down a narrow blindside channel in Moles/5th team rugby will always catch the opposition out where they normally expect to watch a novice winger step one way and run 40 metres sideways in search of gap or save a lot of energy and everyone’s time by simply stepping into touch!

Despite Andy’s success and strength in taking the ball over the line, the LAS defence closed in enough for him not to risk being greedy and touching down quickly. This left him a tricky conversion uphill and from the left of the posts on the ‘Banana’ pitch. Andy’s kick was decent but wasn’t quite long enough. However, what happened next was perhaps the strangest thing that many watching have ever witnessed on a rugby pitch.

Now in his new spectacles and with an appropriately collared shirt, Moles’ skipper Graeme ‘Shotgun’ Trigg could earn a living as a Harry Hill lookalike. As many will be aware (albeit not many Moles as they’re usually drunk when it airs), Harry Hill is the presenter of popular ITV Saturday teatime show ‘You’ve Been Framed’. If any spectators were videoing what happened next, they might find themselves £250 richer if they send their clip off to Harry:

As Dadson’s kick began to dip short, Son of Mole Jamie Barr, Dean, nonchalantly and without any apparent skill or intention, stuck a leg out to kick the ball. The ball then proceeded to rise both upwards and backwards and over the crossbar! Erm…..let’s call it an ‘own conversion’!

Eyes quickly diverted towards referee Stu ‘Peggy’ Pollard. Stu, assuming he didn’t know the respective law; (which based on his refereeing ability - Big Bri knocked on during the build up to the second LAS try, not that this Mole is bitter xx - he was unlikely to) was faced with a tricky 50:50 decision. Seemingly got it right based on all the expert rugby bar referees’ opinions in the clubhouse afterwards including Stuart Harrington a teacher at prestigious local secondary school and Scot, ‘Q’ who like 4, 999,999 or so of his compatriots knows when a referee gets something right or wrong as they proved a mere 24 hours later and haven’t stopped bleating on about it since!

With only three points in it, the Moles were all fired up for a final charge at the LAS line. However, the LASwannets didn’t fancy it and took the opportunity to find touch from a penalty after the clock had gone red.

So, final score 14-17. Another Moles’ loss but an encouraging second half comeback and overall an enjoyable game. Let’s face it; this was a de facto inter-club match, the likes of which so often end up in carnage. This match however was played in the right spirit throughout, well side from Velcro’s usual ‘turn’ but that’s all getting so boring and predictable now that’s it’s not worth mentioning (oh, I just did xx). There must be a special mention given for Graeme ‘Bomber’ Harris who stepped over the white line for the first time five years to beef up the second row during the first half. A welcome return and let’s hope the big fella dons the black shirt many more times to come.

Skipper Shotgun got the Moles together in a huddle at the final whistle and mentioned that it was three years to the day since one Gary Theobald had last stepped out over the white line in a Gravesend shirt. “No doubt he is watching” said Shotgun “and he is proud of us” before ending the playing rugby part of a Moles’ Saturday with the immortal #1’s words of “let’s get w*nkered”. As ever, GT was missed today; he’d have got Posty’s finger back in place and back on the pitch again you know; everything was possible with GT!

The jugs flowed and Velcro, Shotgun and Elvis found themselves as the last Moles standing in the GRFC lounge bar as the whistle blew at the end of the All Blacks’ drubbing of the French. Many of the Mole’s party had left earlier in the evening for Southfleet Village Hall and the ‘Poppystock’ event set up by Moles Moore and Sutherland to celebrate last weekend’s outstanding achievements by the Velo Moles and other associates of the ‘Moles’ Veloship’. The music at Southfleet was provided by Mole Stuart ‘Cabin Boy’ Harrington, the Moles answer to Robbie Williams, and his popular cover version combo ‘The Sunday Roast’; whose final tune alone earned £100 for the Royal British Legion.

All of the day’s activities adds up to even more conclusive evidence that the Moles is something much, much more than just a rugby team. And who’s responsible for all that?

Line up: Elvis, Neil Martin, Winstone, Velcro, Shotgun, Posty, Sam Holden, Oaf, Lloydy, Cabin Boy, Carl Sells, Mick Terry, Q, Gerry Keenan, Ralph Walpole, Brutus, Nod, Andy Dadson, Dadson Jr, Hair Bear, Merv, Bomber