A Game of Four Halves

Guess what? It was a glorious day for rugby when the Moles took a convoy of trains, automobiles and Posty’s meat wagon westwards to New Eltham for the now well-established end-of-season tear up and beer session that is the Moles versus Footscray Vets for the ‘Gary Theobald Trophy’.

Double-concussion victim and Moles’ skipper Shotgun had yet again pulled together a decent looking squad of 26 players featuring Moles’ Chairman Squeeksy for his one of his rare appearances since he pulled his bike out of the Medway canal along with, probably, holograms of ‘Moles of yesteryear’, Jamie Barr and Tony Garland.

Shotgun, in typical Director of Rugby 'over-promise and under-deliver mode', also boasted of a ‘Mystery Mole’ meeting us at Footscray. Moley minds afforded themselves to wander and imagine who might be joining the ranks of the mighty black shirts. Perhaps retiring 1st XV prop Jamie Forsyth or one of the Fijians in Sox or Siggy or possibly even one of the club’s many England (wheelchair) rugby internationals? However, those who had dared to dream found themselves majorly disappointed to find that it was Oaf out on temporary parole from over the water and reminding us all to vote ‘Bressexit’ in the forthcoming referendum.

The referee, a gentleman of whom Moles’ President Lord Jim Hill, sadly not in attendance today due to enjoying luncheon with the Queen (probably), would not hesitate to wax lyrically about using economic and somewhat ‘agricultural’ language, kindly agreed to split the game into four twenty minutes ‘halves’ for water breaks and facilitation of replacements.

The first half was all Footscray’s as the Moles came to terms with the ‘mystery’ that turned out to be just Oaf. The referee asserted himself on the game by being ruthless with the whistle and largely letting it accompany his natural breathing pattern. Nonetheless, ‘Cray were value for their 12 point lead at the end of the first half as a somewhat dazed Moles’ defence followed the ball like under 6s, had the line speed of a team of snail and tackled in the style of Juan, Miguel and Carlos from the Madrid bullfighters' guild. In attack, the Moleys were similarly ineffective demonstrating an extraordinary and somewhat canny inability to secure the ball. The unpredictability of the bounce of the ball on the hard ground was giving full back Lloydy much to think about but his work at the back to avoid further dents in the score was one of the few Moles’ positives in this initial period.

Despite the generally sub-par performance in open play the first half, there was a glimpse or two that the Moles could get something from the set piece. The Moles’ (and Swans’) regular front row of vice/today’s match skipper Elvis, Heinz and Pierre have gelled together well over the past season and are very seldom pushed backwards and it was via the scrum, with props Elvis and Pierre rotating with Ralph Walpole today, that the Moles fought their way back in to this match.

Wholly dominant at scrum time, the Moles were trundling down the park on their own ball and for a lot of the time, with turnover ball too. An early foray up the park saw the Mole’s pack push the opposition over the tryline only to be penalised. A further move from the scrum saw the hologram of Tony Garland run strong line through contact to score between the posts. Sir blew up again! But the Moles knew it was coming and perhaps most indicative of the Moles’ eventual success today was that after the wobble of the first 15 minutes, that they continued to kept their composure throughout the game however frustrating some of the decisions were.

And it did come; when another move from the back of a scrum saw replacement fly half Aaron Rayner dummy his man and cut a super line for the Moles’ first try which was duly converted by either himself or his Dad, Brian Rayner. It was a Rayner, anyway!
Shortly afterwards, the evermore dominant Moles took the lead through Gareth Moore who powered over the line from ten metres or so to set up another Rayner conversion to see the Moles edge into a 14-10 at the end of the second half.

The third half saw a switch of ends and the Moles playing into the sunshine. The dominance established in the second half continued and surprisingly, while Elvis had a fried peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the side lines, replacement skipper and scrum-half Jamie Rayner instructed his Dad, Brian to kick a penalty for points from 25 metres of so out. The right decision on the telly but always controversial in an ‘Old Boys’ friendly. Uncharacteristically, Brian missed this straightforward attempt at goal.

Nonetheless, if there was anything to make amends for with the previous penalty decision, Jamie soon did shortly afterwards by touching down in the left corner after more phases of forwards’ pressure to set up another family conversion; this time definitely for dad Brian. And therein some controversy lies. Following a score in the corner, Brian had his most difficult kick of the day the Moles and their supporters thought that Brian missed and thus the score was now 10-19. It transpired that the referee, “Gawd Bless ‘im”, and the Vets thought that the ball had indeed been slotted home with score now 10-21. Hmmmm….back to this difference of opinions later!
Whether it was a nine or an eleven point lead, the Moles were in control of this match but with typical aplomb, they conspired to make things difficult for themselves. To be fair to Footscray, while the Moles generally had it up front in this match, their backs always looked dangerous running at the Moles’ defence. Not long after the restart, some quick ball and use of width by ‘Cray saw them add another five points to their tally to see the third half end 15-19 or 15-21 depending on your perspective.

After getting themselves very much back into the game towards the end of the third half arguably mostly against the run of play, the fourth half saw Footscray come out with the bit between their teeth seemingly determined to win the match. However, despite the intensity of the Vets’ attack the Moley’s were looking more composed in defence. However, five metres out and a good five metres or more away from the ruck, Elvis was ‘pinged’ for not being behind the back foot after tackling the sideways running scrum half. From the resultant penalty, another Elvis challenge was not enough to stop ‘Cray scoring yet again at the shady end. The referee informs the Moles that there are five minutes left on the clock.

Right Reader; before we shift focus to the sunny end of the field and the final minute or so of the match, you need to be aware that right now the Moles think the score is 20-19 and Footscray and the referee think that the score is 20-21. Both teams think that they’re a point behind. Got that? Good; let’s crack on then!

The Moles find themselves deep in the Footscray half looking for the score that they think they need to emerge victorious. The Moles concede a penalty and Moley groans are audibly heard or felt. Footscray, to Moley eyes, surprisingly do not kick for touch and they decide to run the ball. Then Footscray concede a penalty after barely breaking the gain line if they have at all! Handbags then break out between Hair Bear, having another stormer of a game, and one of our friends from Footscray. The clock is stopped while Velcro dons his light blue United Nations’ helmet to lead the Moles’ ‘smoothing things over’ delegation. Yet another side to this mild-mannered estate agent.

Meanwhile back at the rugby, skipper Elvis, without hesitation, has told Brian Rayner to kick for the posts. “No, no, no. Kick for the corner and keep hold of the ball with a minute left!” countered Jamie Rayner. “But we’re a point behind!” replied a confused Elvis “No, we’re a point ahead; 20-21. The ref told us.” advised Jamie “He’s right Skip, the ref told me that as well.” added Brian. Whilst for not for one second doubting his comrades but fearing the dirtiest of pints in the history of dirty pints and de facto sponsorship by Veet; if not that night, but on the forthcoming Moles’ tour, Elvis chose to gather first-hand feedback from the referee. He returning shortly afterwards to clarify that the decision would be to kick for the corner.

The kick was sure. The subsequent line out was not and Footscray turned the ball over, looking for that final quick ball and foray down to the shade end to win the match. The ball out came but only for Mole, Carl “Cutie Pie” Sells to intercept the pass, run between the posts before looking back at everyone as if to say “Did I really do that and can I really score here?” before finally touching down to secure another win for the Moles in an eventful season. Brian Rayner converted to make the final score 28-20 in the referee’s note book.
Maybe, they were wrong but the bulk of opinion was that Brian Rayner did not convert after the Moles’ third try. Subsequently, there was some relief that Cutie Pie’s, albeit fortunate, try put the Moles’ win beyond any controversy.

As always, some special mentions in dispatches:

Sam Holden: Always a nuisance for the opposition while on the pitch. Always has a wise word in the team huddle. Always good to have on board. Never makes a fuss. Never lets his team mates down.

Garry ‘Hair Bear’ Hodges: Has the heart of a lion and always puts his body on the line for the cause.

Gary ‘Paddy’ Curran: Scared the absolute shite out of the opposition yet again. He may be fought over by every team in the club from the 2s downwards each week, but first and foremost he’s a ‘dad of a lad’ so he’s a Mole!
Jamie Barr: Dusted off the cobwebs with some strong carries and work at the set piece. Great to see him back in the black shirt.
Tony Garland: As above. Will spice up the Moles’s midfield again if that knee can hold up.
Mark ‘Oaf’ Armitage: OK so he didn’t live up to Shotgun’s ‘mystery’ billing, but great to see the big fella back in a Moles shirt. Let’s hope he can afford the ‘tunnel money’ every third week or so next season!!
Neil ‘Heinz’ Martin: Has been consistently outstanding at hooker for both the Moles and the Swans this season. Just think how good he’ll be when he starts throwing that ball in straight. At 57 he has years left him so now doubt that this will come in time.
Lee ‘Swanley’ Evans: Captains pick of the match for binge drinking game purposes at Footscray. Had his best game to date in the Moles’ shirt this time out and is starting to get more of a feel for Moles rugby in that it’s serious but don’t take it or yourself too seriously. No doubt his Mole credentials will be further be enhanced when Hair Bear throws his body on Swanley’s line when they room together on tour.
Gordon ‘Q’ McQuaid: 60 minutes of game time yet again by the Moles’ one and only sexagenarian. This fact does not suggest that he is a deviant in any way; although he is Scottish! Seriously though, this is amazing stuff and always worthy of praise! Wings Gerry Keenan and Skid, this is what you’ve got to live up to lads!!
Russ ‘Lunch’ Turley: A quiet game by Lunch’s usual standards yesterday on account of the five course lunch he had before the game with the Footscray officials on account of his ‘Director of Changing Room Sweeping and Aircon (as long you want hot air!)” credentials at GRFC. Again, seriously Russ is a great servant of both the Moles and the broader rugby club and all his fellow Moles were all delighted to see him awarded the “Brian Spain Award” in recognition of his service to the Mini and Youth section at the “Family Fun Day”.

In the Footscray clubhouse, the Moles were yet again afforded their hosts wonderful hospitality with steak from off the barbecue and the odd pint or two of ‘Rucking Mole’ ale. Elvis was presented with the ‘Gary Theobald Trophy’ and Swanley represented the club in the boat race as his Captain’s pick for man-of –match.

Back in G Town, Moles converged from Footscray, Twickenham (Army v Navy) and elsewhere far and beyond for the main event of the forthcoming tour roomies draw at 8pm. Prior to this, Gareth Moore was democratically voted Mole-of-the-Match and various other miscreants were punished for crimes long since forgotten with a range of ‘cocktails’. Finally, and by no means not least, Gerry Keenan changed his neck wear to become Mole #85. Well done Gerry; great to have you formally in the 'brotherhood'.

And so the curtain fell on another Moles’ season: P9 W4 D1 L4. Not a bad record for the milestone Mole year of 1 AD. Reader, it is by no means presumptuous to suggest that #1 will have looked on and thought that the Moles haven’t done a bad job both on the field and of course, in the saddle too over the past twelve months.

The Moles live on and why would have anyone thought any different? The Moles is something much much more than just a rugby team!

Line up: Sam Holden, Posty, Elvis, Gerry, Hair Bear, Paddy, Jamie Barr, Squeeksy, Oaf, Velcro, Heinz, Gareth, Big Bri, Ralph, Cutie Pie, Tony Garland, Lloydy, Pierre, Nod, Jamie Rayner, Brian Rayner, Aaron Rayner, Swanley, Q, Skid, Lunch

(Acting) Director of Rugby: Shotgun

In support: Al Taylor, Merv, PK, Gannets, Trumpets and the all the little Molelings