“Vets, should-be Vets, ‘enthusiasts’ and ‘new to rugby’ youngsters”

On a glorious day for rugby, the Moles assembled early doors at Rectory Field for a trip eastwards into the unknown against Sittingbourne Legion; a fixture arranged by Moles’ captain and Director of Rugby Shotgun after the scheduled opponents, Bexley Vets, had pulled out. Anticipating a home Moles’ fixture, a labour of elder Moles had arranged a pre-match meal before cheering on the boys in black. The elders waved off the younger ‘mole-lings’ with vigour and in eager anticipation but with the wise look in their eyes built on memories of previous forays east and into the unknown.

Match day skipper and surprisingly ginger Mole Elvis (they don’t usually get the big roles do they?), who by day one of the ‘those they can’t brigade, instinctively honed in on the word ‘Legion’, paired it with ‘British’ and assumed that his team would be facing a team of aging domino players between pints of mild. As usual his assumptions were wrong; but more about crap beer later!
Through the magic of social media, ‘The Legion’, aka Sittingbourne RFC 3s, were described to Shotgun by their skipper as a mix of “Vets, should-be Vets, ‘enthusiasts’ and ‘new to rugby’ youngsters”. It all sounded like a good fixture for the Moles. What wasn’t posted was that Sittingbourne 1s, of Kent League 1 and therefore peers of former Moley tourist and GRFC 1st XV stalwart Gary Gray’s New Ash Green, did not have a game this weekend. Elvis’s pre-match team talk referred to a nice pitch, pace across the back line and getting it out wide. It was the right team talk; just sadly given to the wrong team. Getting the picture reader? If not the main picture on this report is how the Legion appear on their website. Getting it now? Right, here we go then:

For a nice change, Elvis did not take an instant dislike to the referee during the front row’s pre-match briefing and his assessment was duly qualified when Sir made the right but at this level of rugby, brave decision of sin-binning the Legion’s first tight head of the day in the third minute for a challenge on Moles’ centre Gareth Moore where he had clearly left his arms one hundred metres or so down the hill at sea level in the changing rooms! Big Bri took on the Velcro role in briefly checking out the brand and style of the binned prop’s handbag.
The one man advantage proved academic as during the initial quarter hour of action, the Legion scored and converted at least two tries. The first by the quick one in the white shorts and scrum cap bursting through the midfield and the second one by the quick one in the black shorts or maybe it was the quick ginger one or the quick beardy one or maybe the quick skinny 10; who knows? It didn’t seem to matter what differentiated them in terms of looks, what they all in common was that they were bloody quick!

Things were different up front with a strong Moles pack more than holding its own at the set pieces all day long; the number of changes in the yellows’ front row perhaps an indication of more than a slight edge. However, the breakdown was a different story; with the Sittingbourne young ‘gas’ getting there much quicker than Moles and frequently turning over the ball. Many of the Legion’s ‘fatties’ didn’t burn off any calories in the ruck and often a Mole head would look up to see the scrum/dummy half moving the ball to a salad-dodger in the pivot 10 position. Similarly, Moley ball carriers’ tendency to go into contact and stay upright without adequate support in quick pursuit was severely punished; definitely something for Squeeksy and Shotgun to look at in training.

Nonetheless, the Moles did get their trademark ‘up the jumper’ game working and enjoyed some reasonably long periods of possession which helped to put the match into some much needed perspective; with honours more even up front, or at least at the set piece, greater balance between the backlines may very well have made this a proper ‘match’. Never mind it was what it was. Great (if you like that sort of thing) Moles rugby late in the second half saw steady forward play make metres and tempt the Legion into ill-discipline. A penalty four metres out saw the quick-thinking ‘Mole-of-the Match’ outside-half Toks see a gap and dive and stretch for the line to get the Moles some well-deserved points on the board; literally too, as just to rub things in further throughout some Sittingbourne supporters were running a scoreboard which is somewhat of a novelty at the community end of the game. As reliable as ever, Brian Rayner stepped up to add another two points to the Moles’ tally.

The second-half started well for the Moleys who were keeping a hold of the ball much better and as a result, yet again found themselves threatening the Legion’s line. Some great Legion defence prevented Big Bri from adding to his impressive try count of recent seasons but Moley forwards’ propensity to contract white line fever and lose sense of hearing failed to capitalise on the swathes of Legionnaires drawn to the contact area and thus the subsequent space created for Moles in the back line to run into. Unsurprisingly, considering their dominance all afternoon, the army of yellow and blue shirts at the contact area turned over the ball and while the Moles back line were still winding themselves up to run those great lines they were seeing, the fast one in the white shorts/white scrum cap was running up the middle of the park largely unopposed to touch down between the posts.

While the Moles carried on with stoic dignity and valour for the remainder of the game this complete turnover of play from a such a strong, well-earned position was perhaps the final kick in the ‘proverbials’ match-wise and understandably, fatigue began to set in amongst the Moley ranks.

Sadly, some of the young Legionnaire ‘day trippers’ began to ‘show boat’ and seemingly ignore one our great sport’s core values of respect. Certainly the referee (who had an excellent game to be fair) had a word as hopefully did the Legion skipper, as it was unnecessary behaviour which was frankly ‘taking the Michael’. If any of the young men responsible are still playing week in-week out at 57 and never shutting up about it like Moles’ hooker Neil ‘Heinz’ Martin, they will perhaps then see the sheer folly of their actions. Big Bri was riled enough to make sure the offending young man’s bag was a Chanel number and a young, but fat, wannabe Mole in Swanley shouted out something no one heard just to tell the world that he was young too; but fat!

So that was that. A final score of Loads-7. Moles are always disappointed to lose and the walk down the hill to sea-level they mused on the effects of altitude on old, fat rugby players. Back in the changing rooms, within five minutes and a swig of port and starting up the gas barbecue (conveniently stored in the away dressing room – us ‘mugs’ at GRFC would only store such an item in a home dressing room) with the jugs of awful home brew offered earnestly by Sittingbourne (are these guys genetically hard-wired to take the mickey?), Big Bob, Mick Terry and Ork had raised spirits with talk that would make Caligula blush and which only men secure in their sexuality like the Moles can appreciate. Questions were posed of Elvis around the theme of leaving without having a beer with our hosts in view of the perceived ‘stitch up’. “That’s not the way Moles conduct themselves!” replied Elvis is his hybrid Scouse/estuary English twang “And anyway, you’ve ruined that gas barbecue with the real ale so I need to see if there’s anything worth nicking in their bar!”

Elvis got it wrong again. Nothing to nick (he had his eye on a Legionnaire’s helmet spotted before the game) and there was no bleedin’ Guinness! Only this blackish Shepherd Neame shite which tasted like a by-product from the blending of the post-match ‘chilli’ and the aforementioned baby bio home brew!! The escape back to G-Town and warmth of GRFC could not come soon enough after an afternoon, of stitch-ups and crap beer!

Seriously, if you’re reading this from SRFC; our 1s didn’t have a game today and play three tiers above yours. We could have genuinely drafted in a number of these lads as Moles because they are literally some of our sons and with both our 3s and 4s both short, those in our ranks who they displaced, could have got a game there. But we didn’t do that because the ‘mugs’ that we are, we think that wouldn’t be fair! That said, it is the situation with your stout beverage offering that would provide the biggest obstacle in agreeing another fixture between the Legionnaires and the Moles at your place!

Back in the players bar at Rectory Field, Velcro turned up from the Arsenal v Swansea fartball match hoping to find some lingering 2s and Trumpets opposition players to discuss whether a clutch or shoulder number goes best with a Canterbury scrumcap.
While Shotgun enjoyed a ‘lost weekend’ for half an hour or so, things predictably started to go to pot with no Squeeksy to organise things; seemingly leaving Elvis with his finger over the Moles’ nuclear button. Confusion reigned as to whether Big Bob’s wad was the whip or was it Gerry Keenan’s; or was Gerry’s a ‘splinter’ Spartans’ affair? No one knew and despite Elvis claiming to have a plan to bring order to the situation inevitably it took Shotgun to reappear like the shopkeeper in Mr Benn to get things moving in the right direction again.

Business on the chairs saw Toks receive his Mole-of-the-match shirt, Velcro deputise for his sub-ordinate Tucker rocking up to a Moles game wearing trainers and Gareth Moore being subject to a miscarriage of justice; accused of being a Mole forward kicking the ball when actually having played at centre today. Oh well!

Alongside Toks, those who also deserve special mentions in dispatches today:

Lloydy – It wasn’t fun it the Moles’ back line today, but Lloydy was vocal in organising the defensive line and made some fantastic challenges which probably kept the score down. In fact some observers wondered how he’d managed to get a step ladder down his sock and get it out to grapple so many tall fellas into touch or to the ground.

Mick Terry – Again, made a number of significant stops at the back today. If only he could stop taps from leaking! In justifying his pick of Mick for MotM, Ork mused “Performance is all relative you see, and Mick usually does nothing; but today he made three tackles”. Let himself down by leaving to go and watch a German comedian; surely a contradiction in terms.

Posty – Nicked a van from work to get most of the team down to the fixture. Put in his usual no-nonsense shift and a bit more by being one of the few Moles who could match the oppo in pace to the breakdown.

Poves – Appeared from nowhere and disappeared into thin air after the game. The fact that even Povey couldn’t break through said a lot for the quality of today’s opposition.

Pierre – Very much proving himself to be a rock at tight head in the Moles’ (and the Swans’) scrum and made some useful carries to tidy things up around the breakdown and keep possession. The best Saffer Mole since Pedro!

Gerry Keenan – It wasn’t fun in the back line today and it certainly wasn’t much fun on either wing. Gerry chipped in with a number of tackles, a good clearing of lines with the boot and a well-executed chip into space even if there was no chance of himself or any other Mole getting on the end of it. Developing into a useful Moley wing. Of course like most good Moley wings, he is likely ignore this well-earned praise for a doing a job well and push for ‘promotion’ to the centres!

Ork – He just never stops moaning!

Big Bri – Usual solid game in all areas and of course placated those who were worried about how we’d cope today without Velcro!

And so, the whip situation was sorted and every last penny drunk. Moles and Molettes bopped together to the nutty sound of Madness and Gannets and Trumpets looked on awe hoping that one day they too could be old, fat, crap enough at rugby and have enough of a drink problem enough to be a Mole. Most standing moved on to Cabin Boy’s (loaned to the 3s today) attention seeking activities fronting local rock ‘legends in their own lunchtime’ The Sunday Roast!

With the lounge now empty, a single Mole cut a lonely silhouette in a darkened corner. It was Lunch, staring longingly into a last mouthful of Guinness and thinking, “I could have gone to that pre-match dinner instead of being beaten up by a bunch of kids!”

But Lunch afforded himself a little chuckle when he remembered all the fun that he’d had today without eating and got up from his chair, raised his arms aloft, clenched his fists, bent his elbows and then his wrists towards his head and shouted out, “Moles Forever” /0\

Sam and Redd looked on from behind the bar in dismay; “Come on Russ, time to go home mate!”

Proof once again, as if ever you needed it that with cycling, charity fundraising, talking rubbish, Canary Islanding and now luncheoning, the Moles is something much, much more than just a rugby team!

Line Up: Elvis, Heinz, Pierre, Big Bob, Bomber, Ork, Posty, Big Bri, Nod, Toks, Gareth Moore, Tony Garland, Tucker, Gerry Keenan, Brian Rayner, Skid, Lloydy, Swanley, Lunch, Mick Terry, PK, Poves

D.o.R: Shotgun

Cheerleading: Merv, Oily