Moles slow out of the blocks.....

On a glorious day for rugby and indeed the annual Moles’ ball, the men in black sauntered down to Maidstone to take on what was billed as an away fixture against perennial foes the Maidstone Vets; but what turned out to be a match against our county town’s ‘Barbarians’ XV. No worries; you play what is placed in front of you and the Moles fear no one.

A strong 23-strong Moles squad rocked up to Mote Park with high expectations following the previous Moles’ win at Dartfordians and with many Moleys, who usually spend their Saturdays running out for the Swans, hoping to keep a three match unbeaten run going.

Maybe the Moles had keeping themselves in one piece for the evening’s social event on their mind in the first half as Maidstone dominated in terms of physicality and possession. Not that everything was going the Stones’ way with the Moles holding their own and probably having the edge at scrum time. The lineout was a different story though with the Moles finding themselves being turned over frequently; albeit in part due to Maidstone seemingly enjoying the services of a 9th forward all afternoon. But what can you do in such circumstances? The Stones’ upper hand wasn’t all down to dodgy decisions though. The Moles were prone to losing the ball in the contact zone and lacked composure with the ball; decision making was often either too quick, as to appear thoughtless or too slow, as to appear clueless! Overall, Barbarian dominance led to them to score three times in the opening 25 minutes or so without the Moles really threatening the opposition 22, never mind their try line.

Nonetheless, something stirred the Moles for the final 15 minutes of the half which saw a greater matching of the Stones’ physicality and tidier play at the breakdown in order to retain the ball. However, the Moles could not mark up a score and the teams changed ends with the home team 15 points to the good without a Moley reply.

Some powerful, passionate and to the point oration by Cabin Boy during the half time break roused the Moles and the introduction of one-time Kent strongman Poves among others including one-time champion eater Lunch (fired up at the thought of not earning his post-match Kentish fayre of rusty water, brown lumps and rice), saw the Moles begin to really assert themselves on the game. Good vision from Cabin Boy and ball carrying by Big Bri among others saw Poves pile through a number of Stones’ players to get the Moles in credit 10 minutes into the second half.

With their tails up, the Moles continued to play more in line with their potential but alas were always on the wrong side of the referee and a number of dubious decisions. One such dubious penalty saw the Stones in a dangerous position within in the Moles 22 from which they touched down for a try to extend their lead. The Moley cries for a double movement by the Baba’s prop were very arguably fair, but the try had been scored in the first movement when the ball touched the whitewash. The ref clearly didn’t see this though as he was on the opposite side and only blew his whistle for the try after the prop unnecessarily shuffled on a bit.

This controversy, that wasn’t really a controversy, inevitably led Velcro to engage in a(nother) passionate discussion with an opposition player about whether he should go for the Gucci or the Prada handbag at the ball tonight. But pulling the Velcro apart from what it was stuck to in handbag talk this time was, for once, a mere side show as the Rayners led a 30 man, Black Friday at Selfridges type, surge for keenly priced handbags five metres or so away. Allegedly, Moles’ wing Gerry Keenan had time to relieve himself in the conifers, text his new mates Wilkinson and Jones (“I coach the Under 11s Eddie!”) whom he’d met/annoyed at a Jonah Lomu Foundation 'do' earlier in the week, before wading in to sort out the melee on the pitch! If you believe that you’ll believe that today’s official was impartial.

Things calmed down for the Moles to get back into their early second half groove and after another strong Povey break, they worked the ball well through the phases; responding with more grit and composure to Maidstone's strong, physical defence; for Jamie Rayner and Brian Rayner, fresh back from the sales, to touch down and convert respectively. Stones 12 Moles 20.

The Moles continued to be well in this game but alas the clock ticked down with a further score eluding them and the Maidstone Barbararians emerging at the final whistle as, on balance, the worthy victors.

It was a disappointing afternoon for the Moleys but a sense of perspective is, as always, needed and many positives can be taken forward to the next fixture. Not least the resurgence of the Ork with a classic niggly ball-winning ferret of a weasel performance in the back row and a worthy and popular wearer of the Mole –of-the-Match T-shirt both post-match as well as at the ball later on. This was Ork’s first MoM award for as long as most could remember but as ever, those nasal tones were quick to assert that this was his sixth such award on top of a ‘Mole of the Year’ and he’d been doing this for 30 years…… “no commitment….” blah blah blah.

Up on the chair with Ork was meant to be Poves for not wearing a tie (any tie) to a Moles game. However, as a professional driver it would be irresponsible to encourage him to engage in binge drinking games. So, having stood in for his subordinate Tucker’s sartorial misdemeanor earlier in the season, it was decided that Velcro would stand in for Povey. Velcro typically denied all knowledge of ever employing Tucker, knowing Povey or throwing a punch on the pitch and thus match day skipper Elvis had to take the pint on his behalf.

Final mention must go to returning ‘Director of Moles Rugby’ and king of the Sontarans, Shotgun, who didn’t bugger anything up today other than being far too kind in lending the referee his neck brace today in order to impede his all-round vision and thus misinform his decision-making!

Charity that proves once again that the Moles is something much much more than a rugby team.

Line up: Elvis, Heinz (57),Pierre, Velcro, Oaf, Posty, Ork, Big Bri, Nod, Toks, Cabin Boy, Gerry Keenan, Tucker, Lloydy, Rayner B, Ralph, Swanley, Rayner J, Rayner A, Poves, Mickey Terry, Lunch

Director of Rugby: Shotgun