Crisis? What Crisis?

On a glorious day for rugby The Moles welcomed another of their friendly foes, the Dartfordians Sinners, to Rectory Field for what proved to be an entertaining and competitive match. With the GRFC 1st and 2nd teams away at Tunbridge Wells, this was the only opportunity for Gravesenders to enjoy a truly live rugby experience. However, with two youth matches scheduled for the following day, the first team pitch was ‘out of bounds’ (and too big for old blokes to run around) and so club patrons who prefer to watch their rugby from the warmth of the lounge and in close proximity to the bar, had to put up with Scotland versus Ireland on the telly and an afternoon with Al ‘Meemar’ Taylor. The latter proposition led to many, including another ‘Jock Mole’ in Q, requesting their beer to be served in a plastic glass and wandering down to the ‘banana pitch’.

In the changing rooms, one of the last of the Moles’ playing elders, Heinz (57) assembled his fellow players for an oration that reflected on the previous Moles outing/stitch up against Beccehamians and can be paraphrased as “If any of you lot gob off the ref today, I’m going to quit!” More experienced Moles mused “He’s starting the ‘quitting’ threats early this season; maybe he’s really had enough this time?” and some of the newer Moleys, “Oops, does he mean me?” Skipper Elvis endorsed Heinz’s words and reminded everyone that the Moles is social rugby and while we all want to win, making sure we have a good time is what most embraces the Moles ethos. Elvis also reminded everyone about Lord Jim Hill’s assessment of all referees past, present and future. Right then, game on!

As anticipated, this was a closely fought encounter which could have swung either way at any time. The Moleys bossed in the scrum and honors were even in the lineout as a result of the referee’s generosity which would have seen Elton John declared straight. The breakdown was Darts’ though; partly due to the sprinkling of youth in their ranks and which also differentiated the opposing back lines. The pace and handling of the Dartfordians backs probably gave them the edge on paper.

Nonetheless, and unusually before a trip or two to behind the posts to reflect on “what happened there then?”, the Moles got their “up the jumper” game going and were making progress deep into Darts’ territory. A sortie up the left side of the pitch saw Carl QT Sells power over the line to give the Moles ‘first blood’ in the contest.

The Sinners responded strongly and had the Moles pinned inside their own 22 metre area for an extended period. This was heavily benefited by Moles indiscipline in conceding penalties and mild-mannered, church going, Arsenal football hooligan, estate agent Velcro's years of luck in avoiding a yellow card ran out as he was sent to the bin for disrespecting the referee. Velcro spent the rest of the afternoon and evening protesting his innocence and trying unsuccessfully to find anyone who might empathize with him.

Still, despite being reduced to 14 men, the Moles rallied gallantly and during the 10 minutes Velcro was off the park; first of all Heinz took the ball over the line only for the ball to be deemed as having been held up. Shortly afterwards though, the Moles were still deep in Dartfordian territory when they were awarded a penalty six or seven metres from the try line. Electing to take a scrum, the Moles pushed the Darts up the hill with only 7 in the scrum for Cabin Boy to drop on the ball from the 8 position and extend the men in black’s lead to 10-0. A pushover try with 7 players, up the hill...... what a pack!

As could only be expected, the Sinners came back strongly and the Moles were relieved to clear their lines and hear the half-time whistle for an opportunity to re-group.

Dartfordians started the second half strongly and assisted by the Moles having their usual early second-half siesta. However, solid defence got the Moles out of the hole and soon they were back playing rugby on their terms and in the opposition 22. No more than three metres from the line, and all set for a lump to make a break for the line, the ball went through the hands to wing, Jamie Rayner.
With two Darts defenders in close proximity, if the ball shipped out to Jamie could not be described as a ‘hospital pass’ it certainly was a ‘clinic pass’ and with no support behind him, he was quickly turned over by one of the Sinners’ younger backs. The nearest Mole to the accelerating Dart was Elvis which was an unfortunate fate and he gave up his cursory jog in chase at the 22 as the Dart crossed the half way line. Ian Shuttlewood gave longer and much commendable chase but alas to no avail as the Dart touched down his try after running c.95 metres.

Chairman Squeeksy piped up from somewhere on the sidelines, “Should’ve kept up the jumper Moles”. He was right!

Dartfordians’ tails were now up and despite Elvis and Cabin Boy’s words behind the posts reminding the Moles that the try was a freak and against the run of play, Moley body language indicated that perhaps there wasn’t enough in the tank to see out the game.

Things then took a further turn for the worse when the Moles suffered their second yellow card of the game. It was ironic that after Heinz (57)’s pre-match speech, for the first time in ages the Moles had suffered a yellow card and further still, the count was now up to two in a single match.

However, amidst this irony it was absolutely hilarious that this second card had been given to Heinz and furthermore that it was for a high/head tackle. Velcro’s dismissal for dissent was no surprise and unarguably (well, to everyone except himself) long overdue; but hooker Heinz’s card for a high tackle is nothing less than laughable considering he’s only about 5 feet 3” at best; even when he’s wearing Denise’s high heels! However, more rational Moles suggested that Neil goes into contact with the ball at about 6 feet 8”, so that superhero power may have missed-fired at the time of the offending tackle. Who knows; he is 57 you know? Remarkable stuff for the veteran veteran; pound for pound, year-for-year, Neil is the self-styled strongest member of the club.

With recent experience of playing with 14 men to now draw upon, the Moles re-grouped better this time after Director of Rugby, Shotgun, appeared that he might be having one of his ‘Shitgun’ moments from the sidelines as the Moles attempted to shuffle the pack to compensate for the loss of their hooker. Replacements were made followed by a quick count-up and thankfully the Moles avoided further sanction by resuming proceedings with 14 players.

Lloydy getting into his first fight on the rugby field aside (Yes…..Lloydy!!), the Moleys held their nerve and discipline by continuing their strong defensive performance for the remainder of the half and as the clock ticked down into the final four minutes of the game the Moles bundled a Darts maul formed midway in their own half into touch. The resulting lineout and subsequent phases of play led to the Moles being awarded a penalty. “Posts” called Elvis. “Kick for the corner” called Toks, “Kick for corner” called Cabin Boy. Swanley began shaping up to kick for the corner. “Posts” called Elvis a little more assertively “and take your minute Bri (Rayner)”. Boos heckled from the Dartfordian ranks, boos heckled from the watching Mole elders.

But Elvis was unapologetic, even in the bar afterwards. This was a game that the Moles deserved to win and three points would put the game beyond a very capable Darts team’s reach. The alternatives, with potentially enough time for the Sinners to turn over the ball and run the length of the pitch again, could’ve seen them draw level or even see the Moles snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Alas, Bri Rayner slotted the ball coolly between the posts and the referee blew to signal full time.

Moles 13 – Darts 5

This was a great game, and despite the yellow cards, played in the right spirit and exactly the type of fixture that the Moles thrive upon. Here’s hoping that this fixture is a firm ‘home and away’ agreement for many years to come.

As alluded to previously only a full team effort was going to get the Moles a result today and everyone put a 100% plus shift in. Some special mentions though:

Gareth Moore: Tried to cry off at half-time but Cabin Boy told him to ‘man up’. Always has an impact while on the pitch and a key member of the Moles’ team

Cabin Boy: Never shut up all afternoon and managed the disappointment of not playing 9 by pushing Martin Taylor into rucks at every available opportunity and shouting “No scrum half”. Seriously, had a blinder, got himself on the score sheet (although it's the tight 5's score really!)and his talking and communication makes a big difference; not least in encouraging others to pipe up too so we don’t have to listen to him all afternoon!!

Neil ‘Sicknote’ Miller: Good to have the U15s coach back from injury. Showed his quality with some great running lines.

Mick Woodbine: Making his debut for the Moles, the Academy coach let no one down by making sure his first contribution to Moles rugby was being pinged for being off his feet.

Toks: Quieter and less greedy than usual; but reassured everyone that he’s perfectly well by talking codswallop in the changing room after the game; claiming that his propensity for the high tackle is a legacy of his semi-pro rugby league playing days.

In the half-time break during England making hard work of it against the French, Shotgun took care of ceremonials. These saw Taylor Minor and Predator, both of whom had cracking games, rewarded with pints of milk to drink in the corner for acting like children in thinking it ‘witty’ and ‘cool’ to rock up wearing ties around bare necks and over rugby shirts. ‘Number ones’ means ‘number ones’ kids! Up on the chair, Velcro was enlisted for his usual community service for someone else’s crimes and was reminded of his yellow card when he protested; which in turn he protested about.

Mole-of-the-Match this time was Swanley who had such a good game at 10; many actually didn’t notice he was playing because he wasn’t his usual vocal self. Did Heinz’s pre-match talk strike a chord or did Swanley think he didn’t stand a chance of being heard with Cabin Boy on the park? Reader, I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions. Seriously, Swanley’s boot did the talking today and he has proven to be a valuable addition to the Moles roster. Injecting some youth, if not pace, into the squad, which ‘mature’ opposition will not query due to him looking much older than he actually is.

A week or so back the Moles were in ‘crisis’ with only nine diehards answering Shotgun’s initial call to arms and a meagre turnout of SEVEN at training. This had led Elvis to chat up any warm body watching last week’s 1st XV match with the slightest hint of Moley credentials to play this week. In fact, the one and only Teresa Gray was on standby at fly-half until Tuesday. “Teresa’s much harder than Gary and even if her hands are only half as good as his, we’ll be on to a winner!” reasoned Elvis to Shotgun.

But low and behold, players with genuine Mole credentials, whether they be tie-wearing Moles, ‘wannabe’ Moles, previous Mole tourists or M&Y coaches, all answered the call and a splendid time was enjoyed by all. Crisis? What Crisis? Proof once again, if you still really need it, that the Moles is something much much more than just a rugby team.

Line up: Elvis, Heinz (57), Pierre, Mick Woodbine, Velcro, Big Bri, Predator, Cabin Boy, QT, Swanley, Taylor Minor, Tony Garland, Toks, Gareth Moore, Ian Shuttlewood, Brian Rayner, Jamie Rayner, Lloydy, Sicknote

DoR: Shotgun