Moles 0 Old Gravesendians Vets 26

On a glorious floodlit night for rugby, a crowd well into three figures assembled at Rectory Field to watch the Moles take on next-door neighbours; the Old Gravesendians’ Vets in an eagerly anticipated fund raiser for the GRFC Mini and Youth section. A number of both Moles and Old G's Vets spend their Sunday mornings during the season helping to nurture the next generation of players of our wonderful sport in the 7th worst place to live in England (according to the website www.ilivehere.co.uk)

It was a bit like Moles fixtures of old, with a squad of 28 players turning out. Some have genuine mitigating circumstances but nonetheless, the murmur amongst Moles’ elders on the sidelines was along the lines of, “Where are these feckers all for Wednesday night training?”Harsh, but in some cases surely fair?

Old G’s brought with them a similarly extended squad featuring (much to the chagrin of self-styled ‘oldest rugby player in the world’ in hooker Heinz (57)) a sexagenarian fly half and septuagenarian member of the pack. In contrast to these fine figures of rugby longevity, the ‘Old Boys’ also featured some genuine but very ‘handy’ veterans with current or very recent 1st XV rugby experience in their back line. These chaps arguably proved to be the key difference on the night.

The quality of the Moles’ opposition on this glorious evening had been predicted in the last match report. Match day Moles’ skipper and a bit of a ‘fence jumper’, Elvis, had first-hand knowledge of the opposition having helped them out on a number of occasions in Kent Vets’ cup matches over recent seasons. However, despite Elvis and Cabin Boy’s vehement assertions that the oppo would be ‘up for it’ in the pre match huddle; no more than three minutes after kick off the Moles were standing behind their posts. This followed the Old G’s marauding down the left wing; smashing through a series of ‘tit’ level tackle attempts from the men in brand new black playing shirts.

Following this early setback, the Moles found some much needed composure and began to get their trademark ‘up the jumper’ rugby working to some extent. However, Moley possession was occasionally interrupted by Paddy bringing his insatiable quest for violence to the Moles ranks for the first time this season, senseless kicks forward from open play and the usual plethora of handling errors and knock-ons.

Despite enjoying the greater amount of possession and the edge at scrum time, the Moles rode their luck at the breakdown where poor (often ‘tit level again!) body positions at the ruck were punished by the technically superior Old Gs counter- rucking and grappling for the ball. As a result, the Moles seldom looked like they would convert their possession into points. This proved costly towards the end of the first half, when a kick over the Moles’ backs heads into an ocean of space was very quickly seized upon by the Old Boys’ full back, who went on to touch down between the posts.

Half time: 0-12

Following a starter of more vehemence and a wee bit of swearing from Elvis at half time; Mole elder and coach, Judge John Forbes entered the fray. The Judge delivered a candid main course that reminded the Moles’ players of the values of the badges that adorned each breast of their new shirts and what he had been coaching in recent training sessions; at which, as previously alluded to, perhaps too few of the lads on the pitch had attended.

The judge’s words clearly had an effect, as the Moles were much quicker out of the blocks at the start of the second half. A changed halfback pairing in Cabin Boy at 9 and Ian Shuttlewood outside him introduced some much needed variety into the Moles’ game through that often little known concept in Moles’ rugby that is most commonly known as ‘the pass. Through keeping the ball alive more, the Moles started to look much more threatening with Big Bri and Oaf carrying strongly and offloading effectively. However, the Old Gs had shown that they could keep the ball alive extremely well in the first half; largely orchestrated by their midfield pairing of GRFC Under 8s coach, Mark Fenton-Smith and their skipper, Michael Hodge. Following a turnover, some nothing less than delightful rugby and handling led to the green and red-hooped team extending their points total to 19 without reply before the Moles could convert their revived energy into an entry on the scoreboard.

Shortly after the deficit was increased, the Moles’ favorite ginger, Tom Patching, made one of his very convincing carries towards the Old G’s try line. Unfortunately Tom, with still less than ten games of Moles’ or Swans’ rugby under his belt, began to drift sideways towards and along the 22, which created space and time for defenders to challenge him. To his credit, Tom made a decent offload in the tackle left towards wing, Gerry Keenan. But alas, Gerry was slightly out of Tom’s range and Gerry, being a very generous M&Y benefactor and noting that the forwards had been less occupied since half-time, unselfishly knocked on to give them something to do. To be fair, while at times it appeared that he had recently been the subject of Islamic justice on the handling front, Gerry put in some good defensive graft against probably the toughest opponents the Moles have faced this season.

Shortly afterwards, the Moles threatened the Old G’s in their more traditional manner with lump after lump, including an almost ‘Galactico’ replacement front row in Haffers, Woodbine and Bobjit, attempting to bash through the solid Old G’s defence camped on their line.

Much like in the first half, the Moleys enjoyed the greater balance of possession. However in this period, while looking more much capable of getting some points on the board, they were held up by a very commendable defensive performance from the green and red hoops.

In the final overs of the match, Old Gravesendians added a further converted score after more nice handing saw one of the their lumps splatter poor Lloydy at some pace down the right wing on his way to cross over the line.
That is where it ended; a 0-26 raid over fence by the Old G’s Vets. Not a surprising overall result; but the Moles should be disappointed not to score and that also the margin was not more flattering.

Aside from a bit of a discussion about whether it’s ok to buy a ‘leatherette’ Chanel lookalike handbag from Primark, following a misunderstanding between Oaf and Old G’s prop ‘Fred West’; as with most ‘Gravesend rugby derbies’ these days, the game was played in a great spirit. Both teams warmly applauding each other through their respective tunnels after the final whistle. The banter among supporters of both teams on the sidelines, as it rightly should be, was similarly respectful.

Comedy moment of the night has to go to Old G’s guest pink stash wearing prop from New Ash Green, ‘Ken’ who moaned at referee,‘Stormin’ Norman, regarding Moles’ ‘Saffer’ prop Pierre du Toit’s timing and technique; seemingly inferring that Pierre didn’t know what he was doing! This left Pierre somewhat bemused as he started his life in the front row, while he was still waiting in his father’s left testicle and has been pushing opponents backwards every week without complaint all over the Metropolitan Kent area/league for the Swans all season . Pierre recovered his composure when Elvis informed him that Ken had invented propping and probably rugby too, as he is as old and decayed enough to have attended school with William Webb Ellis. Seriously though; Ken’s night didn’t end well as he went off with a shoulder injury. Get well soon Ken! Elvis is devastated by this as it totally throws out his well-worn theory that it is only good players who ever get injured!

In a busy players bar, the usual post match ceremonials duly followed:

First up, Moles’ skipper Elvis thanked the Old G’s for a great match and supporting the GRFC mini and youth section; both on the night, with over £500 raised and in providing their coaching expertise to the mini and youth teams. This will become a regular fixture in the Moles and Vets’ calendars in the seasons to come, although the Moles may have to draft in a few under 35 ‘Molelings’ to even up the skill levels. Reader, if you’re thinking that this is not in the ‘spirit’ of Vets’ rugby, may I remind you that the Moles is not a Vets’ team per se as there are few Moles with 1st XV experience. The Moles are a team intrinsically of dads and coaches of the GRFC mini and youth teams who like to play a wee bit of rugby before they get w*nkered!

Then it was on to Moles’ Director of Rugby, Shotgun to deal with the evening’s misdemeanors and plaudits:

Up first on a chair was original choice man-of-the match, Paddy; however, the Moles’ wives’ favorite topless plumber was inappropriately dressed to receive such a prestigious award (i.e. no ‘number ones’). However, with a drive back to Erith imminent and already on his second pint, he nominated his landlord, Velcro to drink up on his behalf. Would Rigsby have done the same for Alan or Phillip?

Next up on the chair was ‘back in the game’ sex tourist, Tony Garland for daring to leave his Moles tie on the kit rack after the Bexley game when he went off into town to sex tour. For such a heinous crime, along with the pint, the Judge broke tradition and administered his feared ‘Endorphin Rush’ mixture (albeit in less sensitive places than on tour considering the presence of women and children) on home soil. Tony was later seen leaving the lounge bar with a young lady. He’s on fire people and ‘endorphin rush’ just makes him hotter!!!

Moving on to the plaudits; replacement Mole of the Match, Lunch was enticed on to the chair by a cold cheeseburger close to the still shaking Old G’s skipper, Michael Hodge, after being on the end of one of the former American footballer’s trademark chop tackles around his ankles towards the end of the match.

Finally, the Moles’ will now admit to cheating themselves to defeat and playing an underage player in late twenty-something Swanley. Unsurprisingly, due to his worn visage and healthy girth, none of the Old G’s players or supporters challenged the Moles’s first half scrum half this evening and now, proud owner of a Moles tie and title of ‘Mole #81’. A big congratulations to Swanley who has used his youthful vigor to fully embrace the social side of being a Moley week in, week out at FAF and as a tourist, to help coach the U11 Spartans and refereeing youth matches. Your 80 forebears, wherever they now are, no doubt all hope you enjoyed your first pint as fully-fledged Mole Swanley!

So there you have it. The Moles bring together the local rugby community and raise over £500 in the process to help support encourage future generations of Moleys and Old G’s vets playing our wonderful sport.

Even further proof, if you still need it (and maybe even the Old G’s now get it a bit) that the Moles is something much much more than just a rugby team.

Line Up: Elvis, Heinz (57), Pierre, Woodbine, Haffers, Bobjit, Velcro, Oaf, Hair Bear, Lunch, Welshy, Ork, Big Bri, Cabin Boy, Paddy, QT, Shuttlewood, Garland, Lloydy, Swanley, Patching, Rayner B, Keenan, Skid, Mayhem

Director of Rugby: Shotgun
Referee: Stormin’ Norman
Raffle: Janine Weeks, Oily and Sicknote
BBQ: Spartan parents