Footscray Vets 17 Moles 17

On a glorious day for rugby, the Moles travelled west down New Eltham way for their now regular end-of-season soiree against Footscray Vets. With Mole Gary Gray’s New Ash Green pulling out of a match against their 1st XV earlier in the week, this old boys’ ding-dong was the centerpiece of Footscray’s ‘Club Day’ and ‘mini beer festival’. Many, on a packed clubhouse balcony and touchline, went on to say that the match proved to be a spectacle worth watching and worthy of its raised status.

Director of Rugby, Shotgun, started the day in his typically forgetful way by missing the train many other Moles had arranged to catch at Gravesend station. The unintended consequence of this was that the Moles who did catch the train arrived at the fixture with loads of time to spare to enjoy extra ciggies (purely to sustain the tobacco industry during Mole Meemar’s current removal from the game – Seriously. Get well soon Al! x) and selections from Welshy’s portable cocktail bar. Rumours that Shotgun’s travel partner and by day, mild-mannered estate agent, Velcro nutted a high-speed train in frustration at missing the other lads, are greatly exaggerated and like any other of his seemingly random acts of retaliatory violence, vehemently denied by Velcro!

With many of the GRFC successful Swans’ Kent Metropolitan ‘Mast Brew’ League champions in the Moles’ ranks along with mid-table Kent Rural ‘Spitfire Fizzy Pish’ league mediocrity in Gannets’ Holden and Shuttlewood, there was a quiet confidence in the pre-match dressing room. This confidence led to the Moles, while skipper Elvis was strapping up his Popeye-like swollen elbow in a feeble attempt to avoid any cardio-vascular exertion until it was necessary, proactively starting a team warm up. However, it would not be the Moles if, when they are doing things right, things still go wrong; when kick off was put back by fifteen minutes to allow the Footscray minis to arrive to form a guard of honour. This was not a complete disaster though as many Moles seized the opportunity to get some extra ciggy fumes and cocktails into their systems. Wing forward Lunch, took the opportunity to put his number 1s back on and join the Footscray dignitaries as self-appointed GRFC ‘Director of Aircon’ and tuck into meat and two veg with the great and the good of our hosts.

Time whizzed by and it was soon kick off time. Unfortunately, only two Footscray minis showed up so the guard of honour plan was rapidly changed and instead have the two young people meet the ref and skippers and flip the coin. The Vets’ skipper could offer no reason for the meagre turnout of minis; however Elvis observed that as there was a ‘mini beer festival’ going on, they were probably in the bar getting drunk!

Now skipper Elvis is not one to suffer fools, which is why he seldom looks in the mirror and today, said little by way of pre-match team talk today for fear of boring even himself. However, he did set an expectation that the Moles were to be up for it from the ‘get go’ and he did not want everyone behind the posts looking at each other and saying, “What happened there?” within minutes. However, low and behold that is exactly what happened yet again!

Following a Swanley kick-off that failed to go 10 metres (he’s nothing but consistent!), Footscray had used their possession to build a platform where the Moles were pegged back on their own five-metre line, albeit with the throw in at the line out. A ‘catch and drive’ was called and brought down well by Velcro and similarly well supported by the pack to set up the maul that would hopefully buy the time and space to get out of danger. Somehow, despite a decent ‘set’, Footscray managed to dispossess Velcro and in turn work their way over the line. Many a Mole cited foul play for more than one single reason but referee, Stu ‘Peggy’ Pollard of Gravesend, saw nothing. Subsequently, behind the posts, Mole Holden rightly asserted that it wasn’t bad refereeing that had the Moles standing where they were once again, it was not taking the game by the scruff of the neck and letting themselves get themselves in a position needing an ‘exit’ so soon.

However, this early setback seemed to galvanise the Moles and more ‘bite’ entered their game almost instantly alongside better structure and communication. This was always going to be a physical encounter and the Moles suffered the loss of the influential Holden to a head injury during the first quarter. Welshy came on as replacement and to no one’s surprise added even further bite to the mix. While there was no real threat of the Moles pack (featuring a front row of Elvis, Heinz and Pierre who have played a lot of rugby together now) being pushed back, Footscray’s brick-built French tight-head, Albert’s presence was likely to result in a stalemate at scrum time until one of the packs started to tire. Other pack shenanigans included the Vets’ wily hooker standing netball style in front of Heinz as he threw into line outs which the referee appeared to ignore until asked for clarification of the related laws by Elvis. Fortunately, from a Moley perspective, Albert needed a blood replacement after only a couple of scrums and his removal from the opposite front row immediately saw the balance shift in the Moles favour. In turn, fortune continued to favour the Moles as soon after his return, Albert left the field permanently, removing his scrumcap to reveal a sanitary towel sized dressing following some on-field discussion with Welshy about whether French or English handbags are the best.

This discussion prompted the referee to call the captains together for the first time. The referee mentioned words like “Vets”, “Friendly”, “Sprit of the game” which were all duly nodded at by Elvis and his Footscray counterpart but mostly ignored. Elvis got his lads together and assessed that the perceived ‘dirtiness’ was due to many of the opposition not being as physically or match fit and if the Moles were patient their superiority in these areas would shine through as Footscray grew tired. Time to suck it up, button it up and let the referee do his job or else we will lose him.

And this is largely what the Moles did; building up long periods of possession and getting the balance of decisions from the, unsurprisingly, messy breakdown area mainly consisting of fat old blokes lying on top of each other having a rest. However, an outrageous dirty soccer-style trip on Big Bri (which at premiership level in that code would have been a straight red and probably followed up with longer than usual ban) went unseen and thus unpunished by the referee; much to the disbelief of all who did see it. Such was the level of disbelief that toys were surprisingly kept inside the Moley pram. Subsequently the Moles’ and Big Bri’s patience was rewarded when the star of Wednesday’s BBC London news, went over the line in the second quarter from close range with Lunch helping him over and reminding him to place the ball down for the try!

Unfortunately, despite the better discipline now on show, Velcro was wearing his ‘red mist’ tinted contact lenses and his attempts to express his dissatisfaction with an opponent’s behavior towards him, led to scenes akin to what one would imagine in the handbag department of Selfridges on the first day of the January Sales; with Welshy also wading in on the lookout for a bargain!

In an attempt to keep the ref onside, not seeing the Velcro incident first-hand, Elvis proactively suggested that Welshy took a breather with three minutes or so left on the clock until half-time. However, Elvis had to re-think this when asked by the referee to remove Velcro from the pitch for ten minutes “in the spirit of the game” in view of how he had articulated himself in the aforementioned incident.

Half-time: 5-5

Footscray had been open before the game in mentioning that they would be bringing on some younger lads for a run out in the final quarter. However, with Moles starting to gain the upper hand, the Footscray young’uns, probably some of those ‘displaced’ by NAG pulling out of the planned 4pm kick off, began to appear from the start of the third quarter. Unsurprisingly, they had an immediate impact and the Moles had to step up defensively; which they did admirably in a ‘bodies on the line’ type way that sees those stretched for, half contact challenges do enough to slow down the threat just enough to enable someone else to come in and finish off the job.

Defensive exploits of worthy note include hooker Heinz, who was terrier-like all over the park throughout the match not least when holding up a Footscray forward getting over the line from close range. Open side Posty was first to ball and man all afternoon and Oaf made good use of his physicality (and avoided going off injured for a change) up and down the pitch. Toks and Cutie ensured a much tighter midfield today and both took contact well in attack. Although he did not get as many attacking opportunities today, Paddy was quick around the park and put in great defensive shift. Lunch, rolled out another one of his trademark ‘chop’ tackles on the Vets’ #8 from a penalty six metres out and perhaps the most heroic of all, a stretching Gareth Moore bundled out the ‘sure to score’ Footscray winger into touch in the goal area.

But the Moles still had some great attacking ideas too. With young, but bona fide Mole #70-something, Aaron Rayner now in place at 10, his half-back partner Swanley took command of the ball behind a ruck and deftly chipped over for Rayner to catch, sprint for the line and score in the far-right corner. Unfortunately, young Rayner missed the conversion leading to dad, Mole Rayner B., shaking his head in an “I’d have got that” way on the touchline.

Lloydy had another solid game on the wing and shortly after Rayner had put the Moles into a 10-5 lead had everyone willing him on score after beating at least two Footscray players and having loads of space to run straight into over the final 15 metres. However, alas, Lloydy seemingly did not back himself on this occasion and passed the ball inside before contact.

Nonetheless, the half-back pairing of Swanley and Rayner Jr combined again from a quickly taken penalty with Aaron exploiting the space left by the slowly retreating Foootscray players to run some 60 plus metres, touch down between the posts and then add the two extra points.

Now trailing 5-17, Footscray had an estimated seven first team players on the pitch in the final quarter. However, the Moles were still battling hard defensively and keep holding of the ball for periods of time. A sortie up field saw the Moles well into the oppositions’ half with the put in at the line out. A long ball ‘out the back’ was intercepted by a Footscray player and passed quickly through the hands past the Moles’ realigning back line for a score in the top right corner. Although the try was not converted, the score put Footscray within a converted score of drawing level.

The Moles held on resolutely as Footscray applied pressure and seemingly received the benefit of the referee’s decisions until well into red clock time until one of the younger players burst through three tired and worn out Moleys to score between the posts and set up a straightforward conversion.

Therefore, the match ended in an arguably ‘fair’ result at 17-17 but it is perhaps a measure of the intensity of the game (which as previously mentioned, many commented was good to watch) that many players did not have a clue what the score was. Some Gravesend players thought they had lost the match and vice-versa on the Footscray team. The draw meant that the Moles keep hold of the ‘Gary Theobald Trophy’, which is a good job because Shotgun forgot to bring it with him yesterday; which is so unlike him!
One or two Moley heads were down after the game; mainly Swans who are recently used to winning and keeping a hold of leads; but nonetheless after a few swigs of port and recollections of funny moments in a very eventful match, the necessary sense of perspective was achieved. It had been a good performance all round and every Mole had put in the 110% Elvis had requested before the match.
The kit bag certainly felt a lot heavier than before the game because of a lot of sweat and the odd bit of blood absorbed by the (still) shiny new shirts! #1 would no doubt have been similarly satisfied too.

A bit of steak from off the barbie and frequent mentions of “they had seven first teamers on the pitch at the end you know?” erased any disappointment permanently. Footscray is a fantastic rugby club and the Vets, wonderful opponents. Let’s hope there are many more encounters between the two sides in the future.

Back at HQ, the DoR decided that Skid and/or Gerry’s charge of persistently forgetting the Moles’ water bottles will be held over until another time so minutes can be checked to see whom officially has responsibility for this job; perhaps until when Mole Cabin Boy has his hose thing with him at the players’ supper.

Because of an eight-way tie (which indicates how well every Mole played today) Mole of the Match was awarded to skipper Elvis. Like with many of the DoR’s decisions, no one is quite sure why and Shotgun probably forgets the rationale before he has thought of it anyway. Maybe it was to enable Elvis to finally ‘knock back’ one of the scientific-looking WKD and Guinness cocktails he gets in for such ceremonies. Similarly baffling was the DoRs decision to punish some great on-field feats today under the banner of ‘not being Moles’ rugby’! This saw Swanley on a chair for his audacious chip, Moore G. for his try saving tackle and Lunch for more wince-inducing tackling around the ankles. Actually, come to think about it, no one likes a show off, so fair play DoR!

And so, the Moles wrap up another season of rugby and look forward to the twentieth season of rugby (and a tour) in 2017/18 when their livers are back in some semblance of order and their marriages repaired enough for their Molette to want them out of the house again on Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays!

After one or two beers on Saturday night, most of the Moles were back at the club bright and early the following day to set up and run the GRFC Mini and Youth Family Fun Day. Mole contributions on the day covered catering, compering, providing live music, PA supply, coaching, refereeing, being soaked in the stocks and lots more. Special mention though to #1 Mole ‘wannabe’, Simon ‘Skid’ Marks who picked up the ‘Brian Spain Award’ in recognition of his extensive voluntary service to the rugby club over a number of years. Well done Skid! Much deserved; but don’t be getting any fancy ideas about getting your Moles’ tie as you’re still in the frame for ‘waterbottlegate’!

Proof once again, if anyone out there still dares to have any doubts, that the Moles is something much, much more than just a rugby team!

Line Up: Elvis, Heinz, Pierre, Velcro, Oaf, Posty, Holden, Big Bri, Swanley, Cutie, Toks, Moore G., Keenan, Lloydy, Shuttlewood, Lunch, Skid, Paddy, Welshy, Rayner A.

Director of Rugby: Shotgun

Referee: Peggy

Travelling Support: PK, Merv, Ben Baker, Rayner B. and an array of Molettes and mini Molelings – thanks x