Moles win on a glorious day for rugby

On a glorious day for rugby the Gravesend Moles gathered at HQ to do battle with the Kings Cross Steelers, our longest running fixture having started 21 years ago when the Moles was formed and the Steelers club was only a few years old.

Some have mused why the Steelers/Moles fixture has been such an enduring one and playfully suggested that when you look at the Steelers fixtures it is clear they prefer to play certain types of opposition….Birmingham Bulls, Brighton Serpents, Bristol Bisons, Newcastle Ravens, West Country Wasps, Cardiff Lions, South London Stags, etc… teams with animals names!

The truth is when the Steelers were starting out they apparently (and rather disappointingly) struggled to find opposition and the Moles leadership back in the day was more than happy to volunteer given the Moles’ philosophy is rugby is a game for all. Long may this club friendship continue!

The Moleys greeted each other warmly with the usual hugging, kissing and bum squeezing. There were early warning signs of possible fines for sartorial misdemeanours… people really should know better than to risk the eagle eye of our Captain Miami?

In the changing rooms one could not help but marvel at the diversity that makes up rugby in general and the Moles in particular. From the young to the (very) old - from the slim to the stout (for there are no fat Moles) - from those who trim 'down below' to those that proudly sport a magnificent winter bush - from those with wedding tackle of equine proportions to those who are more petitely endowed - from those who bodies are as smooth as the proverbial baby’s bottom (or perhaps they wax all over ?) to those who must be related to a bear - from those who quietly get ready to those who bellow constantly (Mayhem might have Tourettes ?) …a rainbow group indeed!

The daily news is depressingly filled with stories of people throwing stones at others perceived to be different (literally and metaphorically) but not in rugby and certainly not in Gravesend rugby. In rugby differences among people are irrelevant. No one cares in rugby about your education, your job, your politics, your accent etc. Differences make you interesting. All rugby players care about is the thrill of combat and the pleasure of associating with like minded people who espouse the values of rugby - respect, discipline, teamwork - not to mention the banter and the enjoyment of a drink!

To be fair to the Steelers their 4s have a lot of people new to rugby and their inexperience soon began to show. Their short line outs worked very well and they tackled hard and strongly contested the breakdown but it turned out to be a tough day at the office for them.

As is quite common with Moles’ games the scrums were very strong indeed with numerous balls won against the head. Shout out to John playing his first Moles game and adding his considerable weight and experience to the front row. At 59 he explained he just can’t retire because he would "miss the combat and the banter too much”. Respect! (PS he apparently prefers to be called ‘Big John’ and NOT to have this shortened to BJ…)

But what is not always a feature of Moles’ rugby is the fleet-footedness and silken running of the backs. There was some passing and offloading that made onlookers wonder if some backs had a bit of Fijian blood somewhere in their history. Shout out to Moles debutante Ben (aka Dan) whose chasing of the high kicks to tackle the catcher and gain significant territory was very impressive indeed.

The Steelers came back much more strongly after half time and upped their intensity and aggression but the perfect combination of weight and finesse that was the Moles on Saturday was too much for them.

Many tries were scored - Paddy who only runs straight and does not believe in side stepping - Gary Gray who has a very un-Moles like side step and turn of pace - Gandalf (aka Vaughny) seems to be reverting back to his old bad habit of seeking out and then running into the biggest player on the field - Carl the whirling Dervish who has a running style which is reminiscent of John Wayne yet is very effective - Ben (aka Dan) whose ‘smooth gliding style’ of running is very deceptive - and Benny the Pimp whose 3 tries was quite frankly showing off…

After the game as the port and hip flasks circulated, as yards and yards of tape were unwound, as painkillers were popped, as stout Moles got chums to help them pull off very tight tops, as arthritic Moles got chums to help them get their boots off, the Moles basked in the afterglow of a game played in a good spirit.

Many Moleys were on their phones texting their loved ones with news of the win. Velcro’s text to his wife was apparently …“we won, uber horny, brace yourself"…and he then went missing for 90 minutes…(To be fair 90 minutes is quite impressive so in addition to his usual short business like ‘jackhammer session’ he must have added some pre coital foreplay and some post coital afterglow spooning?)

Miami showed that he has the memory of an elephant with accurate record keeping to boot as the awards and fines were subsequently handed out:

Mole of the Match - Lloydy for not dropping any high balls and for some effective counterattacking.

Dick of the Day - Heinz who injured his calf but stubbornly refused to come off and carried on scrumming until told to leave the field.

To play for the Moles is a pleasure and to become a tie wearing Mole is special, but this brings with it responsibility. There are rules (not many) that should be followed and there are expectations of a certain standard of dress (no 1s) and behaviour (albeit the right/wrong behaviour is solely that which the sometimes-whimsical Captain decides) and crimes bring fines…

Match Day Crimes:

Ben (aka Dan) for wearing white, effete, disco style trainers instead of proper shoes with laces.

Gary Gray for arriving in his playing kit – his early departure has merely deferred (and probably worsened) his punishment.

Garrick for both non-payment of match fees AND attendance without wearing a tie - his early departure has merely deferred (and probably worsened) his DOUBLE punishment.

Sicknote for attending the match without a cheese contribution – his early departure has merely deferred (and probably worsened) his punishment. This was also doubly disappointing as he claimed he was “out out” for the evening.

(Woodbine Snr dodged a bullet for wearing a glittering disco shirt which clashed spectacularly with his club shirt and tie and not getting fined)

Previous Crimes:

Velcro for losing his wedding ring 3 seasons ago vs Southwark and wasting half an hours drinking time of the entire team who helped him search everywhere within a ¼ mile radius while he squealed …“she’s going to kill me”…and then finding it before the last Moles match…in the vallies bag….

Benny the Pimp for leaving the number 15 shirt at Maidstone after the last Moles match. His plea that he had to go to A&E with a dislocated shoulder was carefully considered by Miami and dismissed as being attention seeking.

Mayhem for not counting the shirts back in – his early departure means he has merely deferred (and probably worsened) his punishment.

Lloydy for moaning for the last 3 seasons about having to do the Mole of the Match t-shirt printing duties and then refusing to hand this over to a willing volunteer … “because my wife is the only one who knows how to work the old printing software and no one else will do it as well as she does”… Lloydy also forgot to bring a cheese based contribution to the post-match smorgasbord but he was exempted from further punishment (or perhaps just deferred) as he could barely down his MotM pint (another thing that Mrs Lloydy is better at doing than him).

Elvis for showboating, playing for OG 1’s and for starting a new band where the only entry requirement is to have oddly shaped balls (Oddballs 3s).

An honorary pint went to the Steelers Captain, William Holmes, who played mini and youth at Gravesend back in the day.

Miami’s suggestion of a post-match cheese board turned into a feast that Henry 8th would have been proud of…platters of muscular cheese, pate, dips, crisps, bread, chutney, pickles, cold meats and more!

Now the Moles is more than a rugby team. It is an extended family of those with ties, those who may have ties one day, those who play, those who are retired and sons of Moles. While it is hoped that Moles games and the subsequent feasting and drinking will see many non-playing Moles coming along, Miami quite rightly called out three who were in attendance but without their ties!.Al Taylor, Chairman Bruce and Lunch…oh dear…it must be the advancing years that are clouding their memories….

All too often the oppo (Moles included) tend to have a cursory pint then disappear. In this respect it was heartening that the Steelers made a big effort to stay en masse (no doubt tempted by repeated returns to the cheeseboard) to watch the match and this provided an opportunity for both teams to share a pint.

England sneaking the win against ‘the sweaties’ rounded off a lovely rugby day. Bring on the next game at home vs Beccehamian Eclectics on 7 March. There will be a South African style BBQ after the game for both teams and for all NPMs (as long as they are wearing their tie) and another cheeseboard extravaganza!

This rainbow Band of Brothers are already looking forward to assembling again and win, lose or draw it will be yet another glorious day for rugby!