A Perfect Moles Day

On a glorious day for rugby the Gravesend Moles gathered at HQ to do battle again in the black shirt. It had been a stressful few days since the Eclectics cried off with everyone despondent at the lack of rugby over February due to three storms in a row.

On Thursday the sun came out for the first time since last October. One elder NPM was reportedly seen in his front garden pointing with a quivering finger at the sun muttering…“What is it, should we call the police?"… Not only had the sun returned at last, cheering everyone up, but Miami also cheered up the Moleys with the GREAT news that he had managed to organise a replacement fixture, a local derby vs Dartfordians. Huzzah !

Usually as the game approaches there is a clamour to know what the squad is…but these days since the establishment of the post-match cheeseboard the pre match clamour is to know what cheese is being brought by whom…

The Moleys greeted each other warmly with the usual hugging, kissing and bum squeezing, albeit given the growing virus issue so much in the news of late, French kissing was, quite sensibly, temporarily put on hold….

As the Moleys got changed one could not help but marvel, yet again, how rugby is without question the most inclusive sport in the world and the Moles has shown fantastic leadership when it comes to inclusivity. For example, the predominantly English Moles team has/does embrace all nations, not just those from far away shores like the three Saffers (one anglicised, two work in progress) but also those from nations with whom England has fought fierce battles in the past – the Welsh, the Scots and the Irish!

However, Paddy coming out the closet recently made some think that the Moles’ reputation for tolerance and understanding could be pushed to the limit .Saturday was Paddy’s first visit to the club since coming out and he was warmly welcomed and gently teased (as is the rugby way) and so it seems that GRFC has broken yet another MASSIVE inclusivity barrier….by being the only rugby club in the U.K…with a player….who is vegan….

Dartfordians were a mix of older vets and some pretty quick younger player and this made for a good battle.

As is quite common with Moles’ games the scrums were very strong indeed. The 80 minutes of ‘panzering’ (technical term for a very dominant scrum) that Dartfordians had to endure must have been demoralising, with quite a few put-ins won against the head.

It really was the proverbial game of two halves. The Moles definitely had the upper hand in the first half with the slope and the wind in their favour, scoring 3 tries. Perhaps the finest Moles period of play of the whole game was around the 30 minute mark when Dartfordians relentlessly attacked the Moley try line with numerous pick and goes, only to be met each time with a solid black wall of defiance and some crunching tackles to hold them out. Unfortunately, this massive defensive stint (which felt like it went on for 10 minutes) seems to have tired the Moles because just before half time one of Dartfordians’ younger and quicker backs, who also had a side step, (which is borderline cheating) scythed through them and scored .

Dartfordians had the slope and the wind advantage in the 2nd half (and might have been a bit fitter) and came back strongly, with the Moles having to fiercely defend for a large part of the 2nd half.

Four great tries were scored:

Dan got the score board going with the first try and set the Moles up for a strong first half.

Marco the wrecking ball added to his impressive season’s tally.

Paddy would have scored more than one had he not been so gaunt from lack of protein.

Connor got a very important 2nd half try given Dartfordians were coming back strongly and he showed up his father who has not scored since 2001….

Final score was 26:15.

The only slightly sour note at the end of a great game was the high penalty count and the scratchy relationship with the ref. Moleys appreciate all refs because without them there is no game but the consensus is they would, if possible, like to have the lovely Bromley ref for ALL future games…

After the game as the port and hipflasks circulated, as yards and yards of tape were unwound, as painkillers were popped, as bellies popped out after being constricted in shorts way too tight, the Moles basked in the afterglow of a local derby played in a good spirit.

The Saffers fired up the BBQ for a braai and dished out some large boerewors rolls with traditional South African chutney which seemed to go down well. The cooks were delighted that a labour of tie-wearing NPMs stopped by for a boerewors roll as well. (The collective noun for a group of Moles is a labour)

Gandalf also brought down half a marinated lamb which he intended to stick on the braai as a ‘2nd supper’. (Think Hobbits and their 2nd breakfasts). It took some convincing that he should only put one giant slab of lamb on the BBQ given there was still a cheeseboard waiting of Henry 8th proportions…

The cheeseboard was splendid with only two finable offences emerging - firstly a tub of camembert brought by Miami looked very out of place (and was left untouched) in a sea of splendid strong English cheese, albeit he is unlikely to fine himself - secondly a very effete and probably foreign jar of balsamic and fig chutney was tried on a piece of cheese by an unsuspecting Velcro, who visibly grimaced and had to quickly cleanse his palate with another piece of cheese and some proper chutney. He repeated this six times before he declared the awful taste was gone. (If anyone knows who brought this chutney please PM Miami as this a definitely a finable offence)

After England duffed up the hairy-arsed Welsh it was time for awards and fines.

Dick of the Day:
Ginge for upsetting the ref so much he gave the oppo a penalty try for irritating him. (Can’t find this law in the World Rugby Laws book?)

Fines:
Cyril – the reason given was failure to take over t shirt printing duties from Lloydy as agreed at the AGM but this was so very flimsy as a finable offence given Lloydy has been fiercely and tearfully resisting this handover, ostensibly because… “It’s the only meaningful activity I have in my life…” So the only reason for the fine must be because Cyril is South African and this is some sort of belated World Cup revenge…
Danny Boy (aka Ben) – for wearing disco trainers to the last Moles match and a hoodie to this one.
Benny the Pimp - for flashing his recently earned police warrant card to all the cuties and offering them a ‘free body search’…
Mickey T - this started off as an honourable mention for his versatility, having done a stint at flank, but morphed into a pint. The suspicion is his pink and green sprinter’s track spikes were spotted by Miami who quite understandably found them not only inappropriate for rugby but also camp and unpatriotic!
Chris the Apprentice (who had a good game) - for turning up in sportswear…and then left early…so is probably facing a future double fine….

Mole of the Match:
Danny Boy (aka Ben) - for showing us again his unique but curiously effective ‘smooth gliding’ style of running and for putting in a very good defensive shift with some high-quality tackling. Having been fined earlier he downed his second pint of the black stuff with impressive nonchalance….

All in all, it was a perfect day. Blokes need get away from their other halves from time to time so they can run into other blokes, roll around in the mud and then quaff a drink or two while moaning about their aches and pains. This time spent with other blokes makes them better people – better fathers, better friends and, as ever, better husbands and lovers, for they return to their lovely partners filled with joyfulness and with substantially elevated testosterone levels.

A game of rugby in the black shirt, first conceived of 21 years ago by Mole #1 is great fun. When this is followed by boerewors rolls and a cheeseboard, an England win at Twickers, and plenty of quaffing, great fun turns into a fabulous afternoon. When this is followed by heading home for a leisurely Warriors Reward (or if you are one of the senior Moles probably claiming a rollover) a fabulous afternoon turns into a perfect day!

As the season draws to a close, with two Moles games still to go, this rainbow Band of Brothers are already looking forward to assembling again to do battle with Chiddingstone Badgers and win, lose or draw it will be yet another glorious day for rugby!