Moles vs Steelers

On a glorious day for rugby the Gravesend Moles gathered at HQ to do battle with the Kings Cross Steelers, our longest running fixture having started 23 years ago when No 1 founded the Moles and the Steelers club was in its infancy. This was another thoroughly enjoyable match and the final try tally (9 to 3) does not do justice to the intensity and effort levels on the day. It was a game played in the customary good spirit as is always the way between these two clubs.

All Moley match days are important but this one was especially so as some lingering intolerance and lack of inclusivity within the Moles family was finally swept away…

The Moles has always been a beacon of being welcoming to all. It’s a very broad church in terms of player age, shape, political persuasion, hirsuteness, accent etc and warmly embraces foreigners. Even the Welsh can wear a black shirt!

But, sadly, there was still quite a big elephant in the room in terms of prejudice. In a team where strong English cheeses were the norm for the now traditional post match cheeseboard, prejudice against Brie eaters was one of the last bastions of intolerance to be tackled and on Saturday ...at last… Brie eaters could finally come out of the shadows and enjoy themselves.

The Moles Cheeseboard Committee had considered Brie (and other foreign cheeses) for inclusion into the post-match cheeseboard but had hitherto dismissed the idea as Brie was considered to be a weird foreign cheese that was…“squishy and smelt funny”. But given we must move with the times it was decided to get rid of this stuffy notion and embrace Brie. It was always going to be from the backs that the Brie eaters would emerge, but surprise, surprise a few forwards were spotted munching on crackers loaded with Brie and chutney during the England SA game…and why not…live and let live we say!

A much bigger mountain to climb is going to be Paddy’s request for vegan cheese. Vegan ‘cheese’ is made from fungus, toothpaste, mushrooms, soy, soap and marmite…so it’s not cheese at all as ‘proper’ cheese is made only from milk. Hence its rejection by the Cheese Committee to date but in today’s increasingly welcoming and tolerant climate perhaps even this seeming impossible hurdle can be overcome in the future?

Unaware of the forthcoming new look, modern post-match cheeseboard the Moleys greeted each other warmly with the usual hugging, kissing and bum squeezing. Despite Miami clearly reminding everyone of the dress code in his pre match orders there were still sartorial misdemeanours. It’s risky enough for a few to not be wearing a tie and claiming… “I thought we only had to wear it after the match” …but for John to arrive already in his rugby kit AND wearing Vigo shorts is asking for trouble…

To be fair to the Steelers they came down with a scratch side, light in the front row and with many players coming back to rugby for the first time in many a year, but they did come out of the starting blocks with considerable vim and vigour and caused the Moles serious difficulties for the first 20 minutes.

They had a hefty second row, both 6 foot 3ish and around 250 lbs and so surprised the Moles scrum with some serious shunting. When these big boys carried it took two Moleys to bring them down. This hard, direct running plus a few speedy backs caused problems and 20 minutes in it was not inconceivable the Moles were heading for a long and difficult day at the office.

Fortunate the Moley’s ‘Gandalf defence’ stood firm as the Steelers sent their lumpy boys running into the black wall over and over again…. There was no panic within the Moley ranks but they were, to put it in rugby terms, ‘blowing out of their arses’ after 20 minutes. However, indefatigable and fuelled by the pride of wearing a black shirt the Moleys tackled their hearts out.

The next 40 minutes was a strongly contested battle and it was only in the last 20 minutes that the Moleys ran away with the match as the Steelers’ fitness let them down (yes there are teams out there that are less fit than the Moles).

All in all, another superb effort from 1 to 21 and it must have been difficult to pick the Mole of the Match. Some great tries were scored:

Connor scored two despite having a major bilious attack before the game!

Chris Harris, under the posts, who plays more like a 33-year-old than a 53-year-old.

Marco (aka Rollerball), whose tackling routinely make opposition centres cry.

Paddy, who only runs straight and does not believe in side stepping (one can only imagine how he could be even MORE fierce than he already is if he ate beef rather than only plants?)

Gandalf, who seems to have recovered from his pre-season injury in a ‘friendly’ against Canvey Island and has reverted back to his old habit of seeking out the biggest opposition player on the field and running into them rather than round them.

Benny the Pimp, who is in danger of being fined for showing off due to being the top Moles points scorer after 3 games.

Sellsy, the George Clooney of the Moles, whose smooth, silky running style seduces the opposition into thinking he is slow (reminiscent of his smooth silky voice that seduces women of a certain age?)

Elvis, who scored his first try…. and oh my…. will we be hearing about this for a looooong time to come. (He says this is his first Moles try but after asking around we are pretty certain this is his first try EVER at any club for any team). The attention of the match report writer was elsewhere when Elvis scored, so the write up comes from Elvis’ own recollection. It is wonderful that an aging prop can gather the ball in his own 22, accelerate, leaving those around him slack-jawed in awe, then weave through the opposition, throw a few dummies, do a hitch-kick that would show Marcus Smith up, do a few hand offs… and score a very impressive try. Well done Elvis!

After the game as the port and hipflasks circulated and beers were sipped, as yards and yards of tape were unwound, as painkillers were popped, as stout Moles got chums to help them pull off very tight tops, as arthritic Moles got chums to help them get their boots off, the Moles basked in the afterglow of a game played in a good spirit. Very reassuring to see that ‘manscaping’ has returned to the Moley ranks and that the massive 70s style post pandemic bushes in evidence at the beginning of the season have largely gone.

Such variety in the changing room, chiselled torsos and chunky ones (for there are no fat Moles), smooth bodies and hairy ones, clean shaven and bearded, tattooed and plain… but all Moleys from 1 to 15 are unified by being ruggedly handsome and by being known as consummate lovers.

Many Moleys were on their phones texting their loved ones with news of the win and one very eager Moley (who shall remain nameless) apparently texted his wife to say … “we won, be home in a few hours,brace yourself”.

Miami was in some sort of Billy Bunter schoolboy japes frame of mind and unleashed a foul bottle of Grappa (made from the leftovers and dregs of the wine making process) on many Moles for fines with the biggest offender being John for turning up in playing kit AND wearing a pair of Vigo shorts!

With Sweet Caroline playing the Moleys joined in as Neil Diamond sang… “Sweet Caroline, good times never seemed so good” … and in that moment he was right for blokes are simple creatures and don’t need much more to be content with life than combat on the rugby field, a few drinks after, some fatty meat when we get home and then to be enveloped in the ample bosom of our other half….

A cheeseboard extravaganza consisting of all the essential food groups sustained the Moles during the nail-biting test match. Crackers, pate, crisps, bread sticks, chutney and this time not only the usual manly, strong, English cheeses but also Brie (a sign of things to come?).
After England beat SA the traditional awards were handed out with a new twist…the Mole of the Match short list ALL had to get on a chair and drink. Now a pint of Guinness is a pleasure to be savoured, to down a pint is a chore, to down a pint with a glug of grappa in is just cruel… nevertheless where Miami leads, we follow…

Benny the Pimp was bemused to be named not only Dick of the Day (for drop kicking a conversion which is a 7 a side rule) but also Mole of the Match for scoring a try and kicking conversions and other showing off type behaviour.

Elvis jumped onto a chair after the awards and spoke movingly about the history and path followed of the Moles Captain’s badge he held in his hand. He apologised for not being strong enough to relinquish his grip on “my precioussss” until now and handed it over to Miami who has been an energetic and purposeful captain since taking over from Elvis, albeit prone to tears of pride whenever we get into the post-match huddle. As he pinned on the badge first worn by No 1 there were more tears in his eyes as he grasped that his responsibility was greater than just assembling a team once a month for a game of rugby…he has the responsibility to keep the Moles flag flying…as do we all…

As we got lifts home all feeling replete like Toad of Toad Hall, with bellies full of port and cheese and Guinness, and hearts filled with the joy of playing this lovely game, we all reflected on the fact that to play for the Moles is a pleasure and to become a tie wearing Mole is special.

England getting the win against the Springboks rounded off a splendid rugby day. Bring on the next game - away to Stones on 18 December, which will see the unveiling of the Moles’ mobile cheeseboard!

Rumour has it that Benny the Pimp, who had to endure TWO ‘black bombs’ (Guinness and grappa), had to take an hour’s nap in the toilets and an early uber home…this may mean he is already on the fines list for the next Moles game for sleeping while we enjoyed a few drinks and some banter.

To those who were not down at HQ to watch the Moleys and watch England beat the world no 1 side, what could possibly be more fun? Certainly not carrying shopping bags around Bluewater or doing chores!

Where else will you see a 173-year-old front row of Chris, Heinz and Cyril hold their own against the meaty lumps that made up the Steelers pack?. Where else will you see chaps with big bellies running surprisingly fast? Where else will you see such a handsome bunch displaying the values of rugby on and off the pitch?

This rainbow Band of Brothers are already looking forward to assembling again and win, lose or draw it will be yet another glorious day for rugby!