Moles vs Stones

On a glorious day for rugby the Moleys gathered on a surprisingly sunny autumnal day at HQ to do battle with the old enemy, Maidstone Vets.

After more than a year and a half of no ruggers the Moleys greeted each other warmly with the usual hugging, kissing and bum squeezing.

In the changing room much was the same as older Moleys lubricated themselves head to toe with Deep Heat and wound yards and yards of tape around various troublesome joints. Formerly (the player formerly known as Welshy) wandered around as usual trying to find takers for his latest hip flask witches brew concoction, of rum, honey and paracetamol.

As the civvies came off it became clear the dreaded pandemic had wreaked havoc on not just waistlines but also on the discipline of manly maintenance ‘down below’. Oh my...there were many post pandemic, very impressive, afro-style bushes being flaunted that would have made a 70s porn star very proud indeed.

A brave pre pandemic boast from Mayhem, that he would accept the Gummy Bear vodka challenge thrown out on the group chat, backfired as someone (who shall remain nameless) gave him a bottle of said concoction that had been marinating for 20 months, which he bravely tried. Unexpectedly this seemed to have quite a potent effect on him. It stiffened his sinews to such an extent he scored his first try in a VERY long time.

Stones is a long running and hard-fought local derby and they came with intent. Moles’ supporters were slightly worried as they watched Stones do an organised almost military style warm up. What was fascinating was that Stones had brought along a prop that had achieved what would seem to be anatomically impossible…being perfectly spherical!

While Stones warmed up properly and went through some impressive looking moves the Moleys chatted amongst each other, still enjoying catching up after 18 months apart, and only started warming up with 2 minutes to go… “to conserve energy for the battle ahead”…apparently…

‘Stormin Norman’ turned up to referee looking surprisingly sprightly for a 78-year-old but perhaps a bit of forgetfulness is why he forgot to put on his boots and was wearing footwear that looked like a fusion between a pair of yoga trainers and ballet pumps!

There were many furrowed brows as ‘Stormin’ did his best to explain the many new laws that had come into force since the last Moley game and Big John was heard to mutter to himself…”When the hell and why did tries stop being three points” … (1971)

Under the watchful eye of Chairman Squeeksy and the sizeable crowd enjoying the Beerfest in the sun, the kick off whistle blew. Stones started with real intent and crossed the Moley line quite soon…. oh dear…. but the Stones player, while nonchalantly basking in the glory of a try, got shoved over the dead ball line, before dotting the ball down, by Marco! (He must surely have won Stones Dick of the Day and must be a strong candidate for Dick of the Season?)

By now the Moleys had warmed up and after pressing Stones’ line the ball appeared in Woodbine’s meaty mitts, about 8 yards out, although he insists it was more like 30 yards out. There were a few Stones chaps between him and the line but they REALLY did not fancy it and pretty much stepped aside to allow him to barrel over for the Moley’s first try.

Not too long after we saw what is most definitely a candidate for ‘The ‘Moley Try of the Season’. Marco went on one of his barnstorming runs and when he got into trouble passed to Heinz. Never has anyone seen Heinz’s legs pump as fast as this as he motored for the try line…but he realised he was going to be caught and so executed a Fijian quality off load pass to the Blonde Road Runner himself coming up on the outside at full pelt, Lloydy…. TRY TIME UNDER THE POSTS!

Stones were not throwing in the towel by any means and after a well worked fight back the ball went smoothly through the hands to score in the corner. There were plenty more tries to come!

Dan broke through and when tackled offloaded to Painter. When he got tackled by the Stones’ full back he looked around for someone to offload to and found his team mates were some way away watching in admiration…so he dragged the full back with him over the line. Strong try.

Mayhem ran around shouting quite a lot, much like previous seasons, BUT scored a try which we understand is his first since he was 12. (so around 40 years ago).

Jake was his usual effervescent self and after one of his direct runs he popped the ball to Stu for his debut score. Dan took quite a knock prior so Benny the Pimp stepped up to slot the conversion while Dan was getting attended to. (How does one become a Copper when you had/still have a side-line job as a Pimp!)

Marco the Saffer Tank had an excellent all-round game - saved a try, did some thunderous route one runs knocking over Stones players like ten pins in a bowling alley, put in some crunching defensive tackles and scored a great try.

Stones put up a good fight and scored two more tries making it 6 tries to 3.

There were many noteworthy performances that cannot all be covered in a short match report but a few that should be mentioned:

Shaggy Elvis (referring to his wild, slightly unnerving hairstyle rather than his sexual prowess) was on form with a number of strong route one carries and some very technically proficient tackling.

Ralph, looking like he might be catching the eyes of the ladies this season with his new svelte physique, showed his increased work rate capability with some solid carries and tackles.

Benny the Pimp was everywhere during the game but did slightly startle some of the onlookers with some very un-Mole like play in the form of tactical kicking!

Velcro did not fight with anyone at all and we wonder if he might be a bit poorly?

There were many noteworthy plays during the game but what stands out are:

The Gandalf Defence - For about 10 minutes during the second half Stones were battering the Moley line. The defensive effort bordered on the heroic. It was almost as if the Moleys had Gandalf’s words ringing in their ears as he faced the Balrog…” YOU SHALL NOT PASS !”. The Stones attack finally ran out of steam when Marco tackled their number 13 with a text book rib tickler and then landed ON the poor man with all of his weight…ouch… (Marco is apparently nervous of a knock on the door from the police with questions about the GBH he inflicted on the poor chap)

The Slowest Ever Breakout - Formerly (the player formerly known as Welshy) unexpectedly got possession close to our try line after a dangerous Stones break through and he had a clear path ahead all the way to the half way line due to some sloppy Stones defence. For some reason, rather than run, he WALKED up the field and so unsurprisingly he was caught before the 22. Some with better eyesight than the writer of this match report said his head was down and he was pumping his legs like someone trying very hard to run as fast as he could…but the speed with which he was covering the ground was most definitely walking speed…

The Girly Pass - Velcro, when he received an unexpected pass only a few yards from the try line, rather than put his head down and crash over with his considerable bulk, squealed like a girl in surprise at the ball ending up in his hands, panicked, then flung it away over his shoulder like the proverbial hot potato!

But there was a clear man of the match for his all-round excellent play - Marco. (Their number 13 has apparently retired)

As Miami pulled the Moleys into a circle after the game there were tears in his eyes as he talked about how worried he had been that the pandemic would crash the Moley train and his hopes for the future of this great idea started 22 years ago by Mole No 1.

Surely what was going through all our minds as Miami spoke were the words of Henry V on St Crispin’s day before Agincourt:
“From this day to the ending of the world, but we in it shall be remembered;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he today that sheds his blood with me, shall be my brother”

On this day we were brothers. We were part of the rugby family. The family that is made up of men and women of all shapes and sizes and backgrounds, united by a shared love of the game and the values it represents – respect, sportsmanship, camaraderie, banter, drinking…
The Moles idea has evolved over the years as founder Moles have taken well-earned retirements and the Moleys at the moment are a barbarian style team of Moles and guests. Time will tell how things will evolve but what cannot be doubted is the pride felt by those who pull on the black shirt and represent their club.

The Moles is much more than a rugby team.