Moles vs Badgers

On a glorious day for rugby the Moles assembled at HQ for their inaugural match against the Chiddingstone Badgers. Most players now have club blazers and were looking rather dapper as the vertical blazer stripes made even the stoutest Moley look trim. As they gathered there was the usual warm welcome to each other of hugging and kissing and bum squeezing.

The lovely Miami had organised what sounded like a splendid day out to rival even Del Boy's infamous ‘Jolly Boys Outing’ and there was an air of schoolboyish excitement in the air as a shiny, modern, bright red coach arrived as our transport!

A portent of the day ahead was the loading of cases of Guinness and lager onto the bus followed by some very excited Moleys and various supporters, including our venerable Chairman, Squeaksy. (Sadly, he forgot his boots... again… so had to reluctantly make his presence felt with bellowing encouragement during the game and leading the way with enthusiastic Guinness quaffing after the game).

The coach set off in beautiful Spring sunshine filled with chattering Moleys and supporters. Many Moleys felt their playing ability would be enhanced with a few tins of ‘muscle relaxant’ on the way down…

Brisk progress was made until the coach reached the narrow and windy country lanes around Sevenoaks and Edenbridge and after a few navigation hiccups the coach finally arrived and just squeeeeezed through the narrow entrance to the Chiddingstone sports field. Well behind schedule the Moleys decamped and trundled across the field to the snug changing rooms made for skinny cricketers and not stout Moleys. We were slightly alarmed to see the Badgers in the distance not just warming up with gusto but practising moves that looked suspiciously like they had been training together for some weeks prior, which could be considered as cheating?

The Moles are well named as our animal cousins are rotund and furry, obsessed with seeking food and prefer a nocturnal life. Moles are not aggressive but will fiercely defend their territory against any foe of any size. (Interestingly male and female moles maintain their interest in sex and their fertility until well into their old age). Badgers are stout-bodied carnivores who can be savage fighters. So, this Moles vs Badgers inaugural battle looked like it could be the animal equivalent of a classic rugby ‘arm wrestle’!

By the time the Moleys got onto the pitch there was only enough time to touch our toes a few times before having to get into the pre match huddle and switch our minds from being on a jolly boys outing to being ready to defend our 4 and 0 record. Unbeknownst to us we were about to play against a team that had not lost since it was formed 5 years ago!

Lordy, lordy, lordy, what followed was a battle in the mud between two very determined and proud teams. Right from the off it became clear the Badgers were not only BIG but very physical and very capable rugby players. Their defence was strong, almost as good as the well-respected ‘Gandalf’ defence of the Moles and Swans. They tackled hard. They were quick over the ball. They were aggressive in their counter rucking if, at times, a little ‘overzealous’ in their use of the boot in the ruck. They ran hard and had good hands to get the ball out wide.

Lead by Rollerball and Paddy and Vaughny and Mick the Moleys ran as hard and direct as they ever did in previous matches but the Moleys just could not punch through the Badgers’ defence.

Scrums were massive energy sappers as it took eye bulging effort to take on the BIG Badgers pack. Their lineouts were slick as they lifted their 6 foot 3 jumpers to great effect.

But ‘cometh the hour cometh the man’, or in this case cometh the men in black. The Gandalf defence was not breached once and the two Badgers tries only came from Moles losing concentration and attempting an uncharacteristic and overambitious manoeuvre.

In contrast the two Moley tries came from getting the ball out wide with Rollerball and the fabulously versatile Gareth scoring. Given the ‘forward heavy’ squad there was quite a lot of playing out of position, with Gareth (whose chunky physique and gnarled features signal he is a forward at heart) making a pretty good fist of not just holding his own in the backs but scoring a try! (Special mention to Lloydy for steaming down the left wing and getting pulled down inches from the try line yet having the composure to pop it up to Gareth to score) .

This was a game where everyone did their job and this, coupled with the indomitable Moley spirit, was ultimately what won the day against a big, physical, organised and unbeaten side.

It was great to see Deano back on the field after a few years sabbatical and he quickly shook off his rugby rust and showed that he still has the speed and hands we remember him for. ‘Grouch’ (aka Tony Nolan) was a Moles debutante and played an excellent game at scrum half and whether by luck or skill amazed us all by executing a number of precision box kicks not seen in a Moles game for many years.

Given the high level of aggression and physicality in this game it is not surprising there were a few ‘misunderstandings’ during the game with some over excited use of the boot in the ruck being quickly dealt with by the ref.

Allowing high balls to bounce caused us problems again. Not falling on the ball is another area we must do better in. There were quite a few instances of the ball bobbling about on the floor with people either watching it or unleashing massive cart horse kicks.

A high penalty count is still a Moles’ Achilles heel. It is an ongoing issue that some Moleys get frustrated at the perceived lack of consistency by refs and/or disagreement with some of their decisions. All too often we lose the ref because of our arguing. We must, must, must bear in mind that refs give up their Saturday afternoons and come out in the cold and rain for no reason other than their love of the game and that it is extremely rare to have a truly biased ref in charge. We must save our breath for ONLY shouting words of encouragement to each other. With 2 fixtures to go we are on track for a perfect season if we carry on playing the Moley way and say nothing to the ref, ever, other than how handsome and manly he is.

This 5th win of the season was particularly satisfying given how hard fought it was and when Miami gathered the boys into a post-match huddle his eyes were brimming with tears (again) as he spoke with pride about how the Moley story was continuing and evolving and how he was looking forward to the manly enjoyment on and off the field that still lay ahead.

It is one of the many things we appreciate about rugby that as soon as the final whistle blows opposition faces that had been expressions of fierce determination soften immediately into friendly congratulatory expressions. Big lumps that were trying to knock 7 bells out of us were now offering us a big meaty mitt to shake our hands in congratulations for a hard fought game well played. The Moles and the Badgers mingled after the game and lined up for a combined photograph. This is why rugby is different to any other sport.

The Badgers club house is the local pub in Chiddingstone which must have been pleased (I think) when 60 plus Moles and Badgers and their entourage crammed their way in and started to demolish the Guinness supplies.

There were too many fines handed out in the pub some hours after the game to list them all and it can only be that the eccentric flavour to many of the reasons for being fined was due to Gareth having had one Guinness too many and/or suffering from delayed concussion? “Having a haircut unbecoming a rugby player”… must surely be up there on the list of most quirky fines handed out, closely followed by... "Wearing a tie that our Queen would be offended by"?

Gandalf’s relentless tackling, direct running and general all round fierceness earned him the well-deserved and much coveted ‘Mole of the Match’ T shirt.

But the highlight of the evening was the handing out of another Mole tie to the man of granite himself…Paddy! Oh my lord, never have we seen so many tears from a tie recipient and his acceptance speech was very heartfelt indeed. Unfortunately it was not possible to discern what Paddy was saying albeit every so often it sounded as though he was shouting… “SEVEN FOOKIN YEARRRS”.

The next tie to be awarded is Mole no 100, a milestone worthy of a highly calorific celebration of feasting and quaffing. It is hoped as many tie wearers as possible will be able to gather together for this day.

Awash with curry and Guinness the Moleys climbed back on the fun bus and the journey back to HQ whizzed by as red wine, Guinness, beer and spiced rum circulated, victory chocolate was eaten and uplifting rugby songs were sung.

Unconfirmed reports that a splinter group ended up in an all-night disco and that one Moley did not get home until Sunday late morning wearing no trousers is, I’m sure, just mischief making…

Looking back on a great battle between two new foes, one could not help but reflect on the words of the great Winston Churchill…

”Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others".

How very apt. Were the Badgers bigger than the Moles? Yes. Were they fitter? Yes. But the men in black were brimming with communal courage and this flowed into their on field resilience and determination. It was courage born of pride in the black shirt and being members of a fine traditional and welcoming rugby club.

Those retired Moles who started this brotherhood 23 years ago can be assured that as we edge towards Mole no 100 that those who play today are mindful of the history of the Moles and the uniqueness of the Moles.

With two fixtures to go the top try scorers are Benny the Pimp (5), Rollerball (4) Connor (3) and 'The Sexy Yul Brunner' (2). The top try scorer of the season will obviously be fined for showing off !

Those who choose on Saturdays to go shopping at Bluewater or prefer to watch rugby from their sofa or a warm clubhouse, will never know what it’s like to experience days out such as this.

We are blessed, for the family that is the Moles, the brothers-in-arms that are the Moles, the inventive and skilful lovers that are the Moles, will always remember our days together long after we hang upon our boots. For rugby is more than just a sport and the Moles is more than just a rugby team…

This was a very strong win against a side who have NEVER lost in the 5 years since they were formed and who played with great physicality.

Soon this band of black shirted brothers will assemble again and win, draw or lose it will be yet another glorious day for rugby.

Bring on Steelers away on the 26th February!