Moleys vs Kings Cross Steelers

On a glorious day for rugby the Gravesend Moles gathered at HQ to do battle with the Kings Cross Steelers, our longest running fixture, having started 23 years ago when No 1 founded the Moles and the Steelers club was in its infancy.

As the Moleys gathered there was the usual warm welcome to each other of hugging and kissing and bum squeezing.

The sun was shining and the lovely Miami had organised yet another splendid ‘Jolly Boys Outing’. Huzzah! The sight of grownups (some in their 60s) literally giddy with excitement at the prospect of another coach ride, this time up to ‘the Big Smoke’, was a sight to behold!

Benny the Pimp handed out dark fruit ciders for the journey up and in the lovely winter sunshine the excited Moleys giggled and chattered on the drive up to East London RFC, home of the Kings Cross Steelers

As has been the case with every Steelers match for 23 years, this was another thoroughly enjoyable match and the final score (66 to 33) does not do justice to the effort levels put in by the Steelers. It was a game played in the customary good spirit as is always the way between these two clubs.

As is sometimes the way with the Steelers of late they were light in the front row. Fortunately, the usual prop surfeit that is typical of a Moleys side meant we could lend them props and in so doing have contested scrums. Thank heavens, for without scrumming there is nothing for the front row to do!

Consequently, Cyril and Mick and Elvis and Big John had great fun propping against each other. There is a rumour circulating that Cyril was getting the better of Mick, compelling him to try and cheat by trying to pull the wool over the ref’s eyes about some deliberate hinging going on. Fortunately, the ref was not persuaded and enquired with a wry smile…” Do the two of you by any chance know each other?”

Some great tries were scored, spread across the age spectrum, from the silver haired (but ever youthful) Sellsy to the youngest of the Welshy clan, Dan (who REALLY needs to put on two stone).

Big Bri, Benny the Pimp, Mick the Munch and Olaf (watched by the lovely Mrs Olaf and many small Olafs) scored one each and the Ginger Panzer and Rollerball scored two each.

In the first half the penalty count against the Moleys, yet again, started to mount, with Gandalf getting pinged repeatedly despite the ref warning him over and over. However, this was NOT an issue of South African stubbornness! In response to his teammates pleading with him to tape up his left ear before the game (given it was hanging by a thread after the Badgers game) someone taped his head SO THOROUGHLY it looked like he was wearing a turban which COMPLETELY COVERED BOTH EARS! The poor man could not hear the ref shouting “hands away” ….

The weather was gloriously sunny and windless and the ground was reasonable firm for February, which leant itself to some free-flowing rugby and putting the ball though the hands out to the wings. There is a Moles’ style of rugby that has flowed down through the years and this does not include Fijian style off loading, perhaps a by-product on Saturday of some of the younger guests that had come to play with the established Moleys?

Perhaps this free-flowing feel to the game is why the usual rock solid ‘Gandalf Defence’ of the Moleys had a few lapses…. letting in 5 tries. Nevertheless a 66 to 33 score is a fine win and the many tries scored by both sides was appreciated by those who were watching.

George’s two tries meant he narrowly escaped a hefty fine for turning up with what looked like a brand-new pair of white ballet pumps with studs….

The saga of Rollerball’s disallowed try will undoubtedly rumble on for weeks if not months. It is a bit uncomfortable to see a grown man almost inconsolable over him missing out on his first ever hat trick. For some reason the ref disallowed a try. Who knows why but unfortunately if the ref does not award the try then this match report can’t record a hat trick, no matter how many glasses of red wine are promised to the writer!

Big John has apparently not moved from his sofa since getting home (two days now), having turned up to do his usual “high impact 8 minutes of fury” (his words), to then find he ended up playing not far off a full 80 minutes due to the Moleys needing to help the Steelers with props.

Ben Woodbine showed great versatility by playing in the backs and showing a very un-prop like turn of pace, in contrast to the slow trundling of Woodbine senior, whose try we will be hearing about for years….

The consensus is that this was probably the slowest try ever scored since the Moles was formed. The Moles got a penalty around the 22 and Woodbine picked the ball up and began walking towards the ref. The Steelers thought he was approaching the ref to speak to him about something. They were bemused when he walked past the ref and then touched down…to score! Woodbine insists he was... “running at full pelt”. What the Steelers saw was someone walking with the ball in the direction of the ref. Had they thought he had done a ‘tap and go’ and was running they would have tried to tackle him. It was all a misunderstanding!

To give the Steelers their due to score 33 points against the Moleys should give them confidence that their attack has great potential. They had a couple of quite handy players who were quick and had an effective side step. If they could just get a sturdier second row it would transform their scrum.

After the game in the post-match huddle, we not only heard from the (as usual) tearfully proud Captain Miami, but Chairman Squeaksy also said a few tearful words…about how very proud he was to watch an excellent game played in a great spirit in the glorious winter sunshine, with 99 points scored.

As the Moleys and the Steelers mingled in the clubhouse afterwards, eating, drinking, chatting and watching the England game, one could not help think about the words of Pope John 13…” What unites us, is much greater than what divides us”. What other sport could have such a cosmopolitan and diverse mix of people enjoying themselves together half an hour after having been clattering into each other!

There were quite a few fines but the one that brought the loudest howls of outrage was Geoff Capes’ indiscretion…. oh, dear me. Miami quite rightly pointed out that when the Moles fixtures are issued preseason, these should go into the diary and other activities then diarised AROUND the fixtures. To not only forget about a fixture but to have to be reminded by your wife at the last minute is bordering on the inexcusable and in hindsight the fine handed out to Geoff Capes was very gentle indeed.

Dick of the Day went to Velcro for missing the easiest of tries. A gentle pass to him with the try line RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM was fumbled. His defence that… “I have never caught a pass since I started playing rugby”…did not help his cause.

Mole of the Match went to the evergreen Posty. His consistent doggedness, indefatigability and impressive work rate meant he was deservedly rewarded over the attention seeking try scorers.

Now, while the Moleys won the match, rather worryingly we were outplayed when it came to the post-match cheeseboard. The post-match food was the usual mince and pasta affair…but then out came the cheeseboard and lordy, lordy, lordy what a cheeseboard it was! There was a tremendous variety of cheeses. Some even had embedded fruit! Whatever next? There were crackers and bread and pate and olives and salami and prosciutto and chorizo and sausage rolls and more…This was not a cheeseboard…. this was a calorific smorgasbord extravaganza that was not just plentiful but beautifully presented. We were like chipmunks with bulging cheeks as we loaded up our plates and ate and ate and ate…

Driving back to HQ relaxing in our warm and comfortable coach, with full bellies and pink cheeks there was much bragging going on…

Rollerball was bragging about his hat trick… even though it was explained him, again, that if the ref disallows a try it can’t be counted!

Mick’s try, which came from a misunderstanding about what Mick was up to, became more and more elaborate and spectacular as his glass of red wine got lower and lower…

Big John’s banana flavoured rum proved to be a surprising success and he then started bragging about his fabulous caramelised banana rum pudding recipe, which according to him would guarantee “special favours” from our other halves if we were to make it for them. John, let’s have the recipe mate!

The youngest Welshy (the youngest player on the bus) made the rookie error of having a nap…. dear oh dear oh dear…. after the dirty pint he had to endure its very unlikely that mistake will happen again…

There will be an emergency meeting of the Moles Cheeseboard Committee ASAP to discuss how to up the game with regard to future Moley cheeseboards (renamed smorgasbords?) and so ensure we do not lose our crown of being the kings of post-match cheeseboards, given the awesome spread laid on by the Steelers.

With one Moles fixture to go the top try scorers are Benny the Pimp and Rollerball, both on 6. Who will be the top try scorer come the Players Dinner on 23 April?

We are blessed, for the family that is the Moles, the brothers-in-arms that are the Moles, the inventive and detailed-orientated lovers that are the Moles, will always remember our days together long after we hang up our boots. For rugby is more than just a sport and the Moles is more than just a rugby team…

As we got lifts home all feeling replete and rubbing our bellies like Jabba the Hutt, we all reflected on the fact that to play rugby is special and to play for the Moles is a pleasure.

England getting the win against ‘the leek eaters’ rounded off a splendid rugby day.

This rainbow Band of Brothers are already looking forward to assembling again and win, lose or draw it will be yet another glorious day for rugby!

Bring on the last Moley fixture, away vs Beccehamians on 19 March, which could mean an undefeated season…