Moles vs Stones

On a glorious day for rugby the Moleys gathered on a surprisingly sunny autumnal day at HQ to do battle with the old enemy, Maidstone Vets.

After 6 months of no Moles ruggers the Moleys greeted each other warmly with the usual hugging, kissing and bum squeezing.

In the changing room much was the same as everyone lubricated themselves head to toe with Deep Heat and wound yards of tape around various troublesome joints. What was not the same, however, was the (sometimes massive) bushes that had sprouted during the pandemic and been so evident last season. Well done on the general ‘tidying up’ down below over the summer!

Fortified with a handful of jelly beans the boys in black trundled out into the autumn sun. Rather troublingly there were Playing Moles standing on the side line…Big Bri, Miami and Sicknote… surely a finable offence? But Big Bri was excused (torn bicep) as was Miami (6 broken ribs) …. but Sicknote’s slightly bent nose while surfing in Cornwall recently IS a finable offence.

Its only acceptable to be injured playing rugby and even that is considered attention seeking. We all know this and it’s quite frankly reckless and irresponsible to be indulging in dangerous sports (especially when you are going through some midlife crisis showing off to your wife) rather than playing the very safe game of rugby!

There were many furrowed brows among the forwards as the lanky ref (who looked spookily like Lurch from the Addams family) did his best to explain some new laws that had come into force since the last Moley game and there was much shaking of heads as he assured everyone he would try and minimise blowing his whistle “to ensure a fast-paced and flowing game” …oh my Lord…

After a warmup led by the ever-youthful Posty and another handful of jelly beans each it was gum guards in and on to the beloved banana pitch to do battle for our club and for each other.

Stones is a long running and hard-fought local derby, and they came with intent, ready to unleash their usual gnarly bunch of very large and/or very fat forwards. Stones seemed to have forgotten the Corinthian spirit of our long running derby match as they actually turned up with a game plan! Pressurise us with an organised and strong set piece, chip the ball over the Moley back line to pin us in our 25 and give the ball to the no 14…who is a first team player/ex Saracens Academy returning to rugby after an injury…. fast, fast, fast…

In the first quarter Stones camped in the Moley 25 sending in wave after wave of large and/or fat lumps but even though the Moleys were a bit rusty after a long break and a bit sluggish after a bit too much summer feasting and drinking…the Moley DNA showed itself in the staunch and aggressive defence.

The big Maidstone lumps were chopped down over and over again with the match’s ‘tackle Meister’, Painter, leading the way.

After a long period of white-knuckle defence, the Moleys finally broke out into the Stones half. A furious 10-yard waddle by Cyril got the Moleys into the Stones 25 and sucked their forwards in to a ruck. Then, slick and swift the ball went out wide to Rollerball who drew in 2 defenders before deftly passing the ball to the charging Geoff Capes, who showed a surprising turn of speed to run it in from the 25…no one was going to stop him!

At last, with only 1% territory since kick off, the Moleys were in front, but Stones were not throwing in the towel by any means and fought back strongly, to again camp on the Moley try line.

The next try was unusual…the first penalty try against the Moles in the 23 years of its existence….
A maul stopped 2 yards out and a big Stones lump peeled off and made a bee line for the try line until Gandalf (who takes it VERY personally if the oppo score) ‘tackled’ him with what can only be described as a ‘WWE-style clothesline’!

Gandalf assured the ref his tackle was, in fact, legal…in South Africa…but the ref became very animated and awarded a penalty try and a yellow card…ouch…!

The Stones lineout performed very well and if we are honest their big pack had a slight edge in the scrum BUT the boys in black do not go backwards easily and do not like to let the opposition pass and this fierce defence started to tire the Stones big boys.

A quick tap penalty saw the ball passed out to Mayhem whose pre-season conditioning in Cyprus (mainly bulking up) paid dividends as he smoothly passed it on to the stampeding Rollerball, who so relishes the crash ball, to score. (Rollerball and Benny the Pimp finished last season on 6 tries each so the contest is on again)

Stones were in no mood to give up the fight and a classic arm wrestle then ensued until the Moleys got a penalty 10 yards out.The Stones could see Gandalf getting ready for a ‘Cowan-Dickie style’ tap and go and knowing his penchant for deliberately running into the biggest person on the field, they lined up an impenetrable wall of fatties in front of him…

To the surprise of the Stones, his teammates and the large crowd watching, Gandalf tapped and ran sideways AROUND the baffled big Stones boys, to then target a few smaller backs and crash over for the 3rd try…job done!

There were many noteworthy incidents that cannot all be covered in a short match report but a few that should be mentioned:

Handbags at Dawn-
Stu and a Stones lump twice his size had a bit of a roll around on the grass, grappling and panting…. fortunately, they both became pink faced and tired very quickly before the misunderstanding escalated into calling each other names.

The Banana Run-
The surprisingly swift Silver Fox decided to try and run around the opposition backs rather than try punch through them (which does hurt). He ran from their 25 back to the halfway, then looped AROUND all the charging opposition to chip the ball very skilfully along the touchline to gain about 40 yards territory and put Stones under pressure. He was more surprised than the applauding onlookers!

The (Too) Quick Put In-
Cabin Boy had a rush of blood to his head and took a quick line out (so far so good) passing the ball very hard and accurately at Painter (still so far so good) to be ‘caught’ by Painter with his face (not so good).

That High Ball-
Mayhem walked around the pitch making a lot of noise but not doing much else…

Until at one restart the Stones fly half kicked a premiership quality restart…which hung and hung and hung… dropping with pinpoint accuracy on to Mayhem…there was nowhere to hide…he HAD to catch it even though this had NEVER successfully happened in as long as anyone can remember! The crowd gasped with a combination of wonder and disbelief as, with sphincter tightly clenched, he caught it a millisecond before the storming Stones fatties crashed into him. Respect! But will we ever hear the end of it?

It was a forward dominated game and while we feel for the wings who might not have had much to do on this day, it was a fine win against a tough and determined opposition.

As Sellsy pulled the Moleys into a circle after the game there were tears in his eyes (as usual) as he bellowed… “DID YOU F…..G ENJOY THAT? Oh yes indeed, did we ever!

Surely what was going through all our minds as Sellsy spoke were the words of the greatest Brit ever, Winston Churchill…“Never give in. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” No sign of any yielding from this band of boys in black. EVER!

But the game being won was just the start of the Moles match day experience. Fines came next in the changing rooms. Very few Moleys were not fined, with sartorial misdemeanours and turning up late being top of the list.

Those that were fined were initially relieved that pregame lobbying had convinced Miami to not unleash the dreaded grappa EVER AGAIN, that had made Benny the Pimp go to sleep in the toilets last season… until he offered either sweet (Limoncello) or sour (Tequila) to those fined…. aaaarggghhhh!

The Moleys crammed into a heaving clubhouse with the victorious players from the Twos and enjoyed a very well-deserved Guinness or a glass of vin rouge or two.

A highly calorific cheeseboard, consisting of all the essential food groups, awaited the Moleys and the Stones players to replenish their aching muscles and bones. Many varied cheeses (including squishy foreign cheeses in addition to some strong, manly English cheeses) crisps, baguettes, salami, sausages, pate, pickles, crackers, chutney and chocolates…. oooooh yes please! Their cheeks bulged like hamsters loading up with nuts before winter…

Fortified with a tot of extra strong toffee vodka we applauded Painter who was announced as Mole of the Match, for his fierce and unrelenting tackling.Gandalf, who despite scoring the decisive try, was announced as Dick of the Day for his well-intentioned but expensive ‘WWE clothesline’ tackle.

In addition to Sicknote already being on next match’s fines list for avoiding 10 weeks of Moles rugby due to a surfing related injury, the list must surely also include Paddy, for whom special and very expensive Vegan ‘cheese’ was sourced for the inclusive cheeseboard, who did not even make it to the match!

As we were ferried home flush with one glass too many and rubbing our bulging waistcoated bellies like Toad of Toad Hall (and dreaming wistfully of Sunday’s Warriors Reward) we could not help but feel that on this splendid day we were brothers. We were part of the rugby family. The family that is made up of men and women of all shapes and sizes and backgrounds, united by a shared love of the game and the values it represents – respect, kissing, camaraderie, banter, combat, enjoying a convivial drink…

The Moles is much more than a rugby team.

Win, lose or draw bring on the next game vs Steelers in 2 weeks!